One of the surprising findings in the Affair Recovery Index (ARI) survey results is
that when couples who have experienced affairs do go to therapy, that 61% of the therapists do not directly deal with the affair. At first, I thought the finding was a fluke, but as more of your responses come in, the pattern remains.
One of the early researchers in affairs made this discovery. I wanted to test her findings and see if this pattern of therapists avoiding dealing directly with affairs still persists. Sadly, many marriage therapists are still doing the ‘affair avoidance two-step’. This means that when you go to a marriage therapist to help you deal with an affair, the odds are that they will not deal with it directly, if at all.
This is frustrating. When you go to a professional for help with a specific issue, you expect that issue to be addressed directly. When I go to my mechanic, Ryan, for brake problems, and he instead wants to deal with my air conditioner and emissions, it bothers me. When I see Ryan for my brakes, I want my brakes fixed, not my air conditioner. Likewise when you go see your therapist for an affair, you want that issue addressed.
Why do marriage therapists not deal directly with affairs?
First, many of them do not believe in marriage. It still astounds me that one of the other therapists who purports to specialize in dealing with affairs and marriage issues does not even believe in marriage! When your therapist does not believe in marriage you have to wonder how helpful they will be in saving your marriage. Surprisingly, there is even a group called marriage friendly therapists that asks for its members to believe in marriage. This is why Focus on the Family warns people to find therapists who believe in marriage. What this tells me is that there are many therapists out there who do not believe in marriage, but do not tell you that.
The therapists you encounter may be warm and accepting of everyone along with being tolerant every belief, yet if they do not believe in marriage, you’ve go problems. If they do not believe in marriage, then all the tolerance and warmth don’t matter.
When you put your marriage into the hands of someone who does not believe in marriage or the special relationship it is, they will not value it like you do, or give direction in helping to preserve it. Sure you may feel better after the session, yet if it does not improve your marriage, is it helping?
Another factor is that many marriage therapists are often trained in the same ‘groupthink’ mindset. They are all trained to take the same approach and have the same way of thinking about your family as ‘a system’. I have even seen some professional associations brag about how all their marriage therapists are trained in this same mindset.
When I see associations who purport to ‘value the individual’ and see the uniqueness in each individual yet turn around and brag about how their graduates are all trained in the same way of systemic thinking, it bothers me. It is as if ‘marriage therapists’ are now a product or commodity rather than professionals skilled in helping couples like you that have unique needs.
Thinking in terms of systems works great for sprinklers or HVAC systems, but when it is your marriage, do you want it approached like it was ‘a system’ or treated as a special relationship with unique people who are real. I prefer viewing Marriages as made up of real people, not systems.
System thinking is de-humanizing. I find that people need to be approached as being special rather than as lego-like constructions with interchangable pieces. Such thinking is wonderful for problem solving with cars and HVAC systems, but don’t even address issues like trust, honest communication and forgiveness. Instead, they focus on patterns, interactions and cycles.
When marriages are viewed as systems, therapists often focus on their view of the ‘big picture’ rather than the specific issue of the affair. They are trained to see the big picture instead of a specif issue, like your affair, so much so that your affair often becomes a non-issue. This is great for cheaters who want to avoid dealing with the affair, but frustrating if you are the one cheated on.
There are also marriage therapists who function as extensions of the insurance company. They are well-versed in completing paperwork and taking you through the therapy process. Since affairs do not always fit the process, they are not dealt with. In such cases, they attempt finding what the insurance company will cover and approve rather than what the two of you came into marriage counseling for. When you are being processed like cattle through a system, the focus often becomes completing the process rather than dealing with the affair.
As simple as it sounds, when you want to deal with the affair, you want to deal with the affair.
At the other extreme, some marriage therapists will assign you workbooks that are 350-400 pages in length, and that’s just volume 1. When you are hurting, you want answers and direction that you can use now rather than having to spend hours reading or studying. You want material you can implement immediately rather than having to wait until you complete the whole multi-week course. The 400+ page workbooks do focus on the affair, yet some of you may feel overwhelmed by the ‘work’ involved and exercises you have to complete. You want something you can use now.
Either extreme has its challenges, from being overwhelmed with affair information to therapists avoiding dealing directly with affairs. When your marriage is at risk, you want help right away. You want something that addresses the affair directly and that you can use immediately, such as the Affair Recovery Workshop, which you can order and download now, allowing you to work on your marriage right away.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
7 Responses
Good topic Jeff. I have experienced this with both counselors we used. They went right into marriage relations, needs, communication, family of origin, etc.. Meanwhile the marriage is a wreck from the affair and needs immediate attention. My unfaithful wife didn’t mind. In the first case she was continuing secret communication with the affair partner and was totally dishonest with the counselor. In the second case we went months without addressing the affair. Finally I had to put my foot down and say we need to stop beating around the bush and address the elephant in the room – the affair! I asked for two things – 1) to be able to ask my questions and get honest disclosure about the affair, and 2) to share how it caused me pain in so many ways and have her bear witness to that.
Because it came at my request, not the counselor, my wife resented it and it was not as productive as it should have been. At times she was flippant, hostile and contemptuous, like she was during the affair. I was frustrated the counselor didn’t fully call her on it.
I think many counselors are weak and afraid to address the real issue. They don’t want to offend the cheater and treat them with kid gloves. In the end they only feed the denial and delusion, they don’t address the problem, and leave the faithful spouse feeling blamed. It sucks.
Untold,
Thank you for sharing your experience with counselors and comments. I have wanted this topic addressed for a while. It bothers me that affairs are often not addressed in counseling. When you are hurting, you want the problem addressed.
Your observation “I think many counselors are weak and afraid to address the real issue. They don’t want to offend the cheater and treat them with kid gloves.” is true in many cases. I have seen this more often that I would like. Counselors like this want to be ‘liked’. They do not address the issue of the affair since it threatens their being liked. When the issues are not addressed, it often leaves the faithful spouse with a load of pain, shame and guilt.
In some ways, the problem runs deeper. I suspect that the training of many of today’s marriage therapists is flawed. They are presented with theories developed by people who were caught up in affairs themselves. Since the originator of the theories did not want to view the affair as the problem, their blindspot regarding affairs influences their work, and those who are later trained in those methods. When young marriage counselors are trained using methods that have blindspot for affairs, they do not know how to deal with them and therefore avoid them on an industrial scale.
I found myself experiencing frustration in reading your account of how you had to insist that the affair be dealt with. You should not have had to do that. It sounds like things would have gone ‘rocking along’ for untold number of sessions before the affair was addressed.
I suspect that many times when the marriage therapist has had an affair themselves, that they align with the cheater rather than maintain objectivity. When they align with the cheater, it forms an alliance of collusion. At some level they work together in keeping the topic at bay. The cheater does not want the topic addressed, and the counselor does not want the topic addressed, since it hits on their own issues. They have a built in blind spot that the cheater can hide within.
I have not tested my suspicions on a large scale, so I do not know if they are true across the board. I suspect that these problems are more plentiful than I would like.
While homeschooling our children (while hubby was out fishing for STDS) I began to learn some of what was the system of government schooling that I had not known in by younger days in the credential program and before my deeper study of the Bible on my own (with the help of the Holy Spirit of course)
I came upon a great book written by three time teacher of the year in the NY public school system John Taylor Gatto
The Book is called The Underground History of American Schools
Coincidentally I was reminded of this book last night as I came across YouTube videos of him speaking on this subject and some were directly out of the book which is very large.
This may answer many of the questions you bring up about the “product” of the systems which train our citizens and why things are so messed up today among other aspects of our culture
Learning some of the things which filled the Lord shaped.vacuum in the lives of generations will give you cause for pause
Money is not the problem with the school system …the system is
Zaza,
I am very familiar with John Taylor Gatto and his work. It is truly eye-opening.
The education system, like all systems, creates products. It produces what the person or persons pulling the levers, turning the knobs and pushing the buttons decides.
Although the education system has problems, my main focus is that of affair-related issues. In this case, a majority of therapists are not dealing directly with affairs. The post dealt with some of my suspected reasons for them not dealing directly with affairs along with how that impacts couples seeking help.
The education system for training therapists is only part of the problem. The worldview and paradigm young therapists are trained in often have blind spots regarding adultery. It has amazed me how many of the theorists who shaped the field had affairs themselves or grew up in a culture that often turned a blind eye to affairs. When a young mind is trained in a way of thinking or approaching marriage that has biases in it, they often continue that bias themselves. When the bias is one of ignoring or minimizing affairs, many of you who are hurting miss out on getting the help you need concerning affairs. When it happens to you, it is a big deal. It is a major deal!
When I began seeing the pattern that the majority of marriage therapists do not deal with the affair directly, it bothered me deeply. When you seek help from an ‘expert’ on marriage and affairs, you expect that they will deal with your marriage and affair. When that does not happen, there is a problem. The post was my initial thoughts on possible explanations behind that problem.
Although I did not address the aspect of values, it is also a matter of concern. I chose not to address the ‘values’ topic, since I have addressed that matter in a previous post on how it is important for you and couples to find counselors and therapists that share your values when it comes to marriage and affairs.
I appreciate your comment and didn’t intend to redirect your point …I felt it related in the way you brought to light. The worldview of a therapist is formed with their background , experience and education mold especially if they do not know the Lord.
For those wanting to find helpful reflections during healing from adultery and its fallout it is further painful to realize the person who is being thought of as a “trained professional” be it a marriage counsellor or clergyman may not have the equipping or heart for this kind of delicate recovery triage .
Sometimes paying out big by k in lengthy effort to do so adds insult to injury to the wounds from already stressed and limited resources.
Personally I had hoped that someone…anyone would confront my husband effectively but from what I have seen in many cases no one…even the Lord is respected to the degree that confrontation results in much of any kind of true repentance
It seems the state of hardened heart which only prayer and the Lord knows the outcome
It’s hard waiting on this but that is what we do as we continue in our own walk and growth in the relationship wig He who we will spend eternity….so we do.
Zaza,
You always have fascinating insights. There are many conversations I would enjoy having if the scope was larger.
Many people like yourself trusted a marriage counselor or clergyman with your marriage. In all likelihood, it took a lot to get your spouse to the counselor and then when you get them there, the affair is not one of the issues addressed. That is a big letdown. The odds are that the couple will only be in four sessions or less. When the affair is not addressed in those few sessions, it often remains unaddressed for a long time. On seeing the frequency that therapists do not address the affair, it concerned me to the point I needed to bring it to people’s attention.
The worldview of the therapist is important. Tragically, many therapists are trained in methods of accessing people of different faiths. They know the buzzwords to use. When the couple hears those words, they begin trusting them thinking, “they get me” while not realizing that the therapist is using those buzzwords as a passcode. They do not adhere to those beliefs or worldview. They are only trained in how they can gain access and get you to trust them.
I can half-way understand such ploys, but when they do not even deal with the affair, they have made things worse.