Once upon a time there was a young psychologist named Dorothy. Dorothy enjoyed helping people and learning.
In her efforts at helping people, she conducted interviews with volunteers about how they fell in love. She ended up interviewing about 500 people. What she learned from those people she put into a book about love and relationships.
Since she had connections in the publishing world, her book sold in many places. Readers liked what she wrote since she suggested that you can’t control who you fall in love with. She said that the crush you get on others and the desire to be with them was totally ‘involuntary’.
She even came up with a new name for this involuntary phenomenon.
She called it ‘limerance’. Limerance sounded more scientific than having a ‘crush’, lust or puppy love or aroused. Her ideas were popular with those who wanted to believe that they couldn’t control who they lusted after or their desire to ‘have them’.
Her ideas became popular with those looking for an excuse for their lack of self-discipline when it comes to relationships. It even gave them a name for what they did. They could blame everything on ‘limerance’ since it was involuntary (outside of their control or ability to control).
Dorothy’s book gave many people an excuse they could use in why they can’t control who they fall in love with and what it meant to have ‘limerance’. Cheaters could blame limerance for one-night stands, hook-ups, and hookers. They could indulge in irresponsible behavior and blame it on something that sounded scientific. They could say “I couldn’t control myself”, thereby blaming limerance and do it filled with sincerity and honesty.
When your spouse tells you “I couldn’t control myself” are you going to believe them?
In my experience, voluntary choices are made with affairs. Choices are made about who to have the affair with, who they lust after, how they feed into their lustful fantasies along with how cheaters put themselves in vulnerable positions.
Choices are made in how they deal with temptations. Giving a cheater the excuse that their reactions are “involuntary” amounts to giving them permission to cheat. It gives ground to those claiming you can’t help who you love.
When you’re tired of the fairy stories, lies, and excuses surrounding the affair, there are things you can do. Change is possible. A place to start making changes is in having accountability when it comes to triggers, lust and high-risk situations. You choose how you deal with temptations and whether or not to give in to them.
In going through affair recovery, you need an Affair relapse prevention plan. You also need a clear understanding of how the cheater deals with temptations.
In the video “Overcoming Affair Relapse”, I cover these issues and more. When you download the video and start taking the recommended actions, you can stop falling for the cheater’s ploys and games.
When you quit believing that they can’t help it, you help them and yourself.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
