When growing up, one of the puns we like was asking unanswerable or no-win questions. A favorite was asking “Are you still beating your wife?” On the surface, the question looks innocent, yet appearances are deceiving. No matter how you answer this one, it puts you in a bind. You look bad no matter how you answer such questions.
Although it may seem strange opening a letter with such stories, the reality is that violence is fairly common in marriages with affairs. Not every marriage touched by an affair has a history of violence, yet there is a some connection between affairs and marital violence.
In going through the results of the Affair Recovery Survey, I was surprised at the amount of violence in marriages. This is why when I say that “Affairs are a matter of life and death”, its’ a matter of conviction rather than alarm. The couple already have problems with self-control. When the passionate feelings reach a boiling point the risk of violence is high.
There’s a reason law enforcement often look at spouses first when investigating murders and suspicious deaths. Law enforcement have learned lessons about the danger of affairs, even though they don’t put ‘affairs’ down in the documentation of crime statistics.
One form of violence I encounter is choking. Choking is a favorite of spouses with control issues. Its’ as if the controllers resort to violence when their usual methods of control are frustrated. When I hear about someone choking their spouse, in my mind the “Control Issues” alarm goes off.
Open handed hitting is also a common occurrence. This kind of hitting happens as a sudden way of taking control or stopping the conversation. The hitting happens when one person feels desperate and wants to suddenly change things. It also says they want to take control of the situation.
Choking also sends the message, “I control you, I control your choices.” In such marriage love is no longer a constraining force. Love has been replaced with control. Fear of reprisal may all that is keeping spouses in those situations from having affairs. Fear works, but only for a limited amount of time. Fear also doesn’t bring a healthy intimacy with it.
If your marriage needs ‘turning around’, you’ll want my latest video, “How To Rekindle Closeness And Bring Back Intimacy In Your Marriage”. Since your marriage is dynamic, it will continue down the path its’ currently on, either drawing the two of you closer to each other or pushing each other further apart, you’ll want to change the path as soon as possible.
Best Regards,
Jeff
