As I was about to leave home on an errand, my wife looked at me and asked “Are you going out with THAT shirt on?” I’ve learned from experience that when she asks questions with THAT tone of voice, something’s going on that needs changing.
Rather than say something that’ll embarrass me, she asks questions. Her question stops me. I begin examining the shirt for any defects or stains. Upon finding defects, I make the needed changes.
Going out in public with a stained shirt is a faux pas, I’ve made before. I wish I could tell you that I’m always on top of my game and looking my best.
I make mistakes. Although I don’t enjoy when my wife’s questions take that unique tone, it’s better than facing the negative social impact and self-consciousness it brings.
It’s embarrassing on several levels. I don’t like the stigma of being ‘that guy’ with the stained or torn shirt. When I can avoid being stigmatized in public with a simple question, it’s worth the embarrassment.
Affairs bring stigmas as well. They leave you in a self-conscious state of mind. Even when you did nothing wrong, there are the nagging questions about ‘what if…’ that haunts you.
It’s the stigma that keeps the debate going about whether or not you should tell your spouse about an affair, especially those in your past. If there was no stigma, there would be no debate.
Even when you didn’t have the affair, you carry the stigma of what happened. You may even wonder what other people who ‘know about the affair’ are thinking about you. What might they be saying in their hushed conversations?
The betrayed still carries the shame of that stigma with them. It’s like a stain or proclamation that proclaims loudly “You’re not good enough!” or “Something is wrong with you.”
No matter where you go, the grocery store, school, church or just shopping the stigma follows you. Like a dark cloud that you can’t escape, it never lets you go.
Anytime you hear whispered words and giggles, you wonder if they were talking about the affair. Even when nothing is said about what happened, you know it did. Just knowing what happened is enough to crumple your confidence.
All it takes is one wrongly worded sentence or awkward moment and you fall to pieces inside. In the Greek, stigma comes from a word referring to what amounts to a branding iron used in pricking people with burns and scars. The stigma is when they ‘stick you with it’.
That burning self-doubt, the sudden pain of embarrassment and the hot feeling inside when it happens, tells me the Greeks were pretty accurate in describing what a stigma is and its association with a branding iron. Having a stigma is akin to being branded.
If the stigma of an affair is stopping you from doing things. If that pain of what your spouse did is gnawing at you. If you’re unable to get comfortable in public situations because of what they did, download the video on “Getting Past the Affair Crisis“.
Knowing where to start caring for yourself and moving past the shame of what your spouse did, is a good place to start. The affair may have stopped you emotionally, yet life continues. You have to live life on life’s terms.
Rather than stumbling to find your way, you can stop and make the needed changes before you go out. With the video, you can know your options and have a plan for thriving.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
