Besides pain, one of the things affairs generate a great deal of is questions. They bring situations and feelings up that you never or seldom ever considered before.
A recent question that came my way is “He’s putting all the blame on me. How can I deal with the stress of my situation?”
In dealing with relationship problems, one of the common strategies of avoiding uncomfortable situations is called ‘blaming the victim’. When the cheater blames you they’re playing the victim. In that role, they shrug off blame and responsibility.
When a cheater looks for someone to blame, it’s easier blaming anyone else but the person who made the decision to cheat. Rather than man up to their choices, they use blame as a way of excusing what they did.
That way, they don’t have to deal with the discomfort of guilt. Since many of you become responsible when they’re irresponsible, it puts the pain of blame on you.
They want someone or something to point an accusing finger at. They may also blame their childhood, their gender, or the other woman. They’re willing to blame anyone whose willing to accept it.
My first recommendation in such situations is “Don’t accept the blame!” Just because they blame you doesn’t mean you have to accept it. When you accept the blame, it validates their accusation.
They proposed the fairy tale that YOU made them do what they did. When you accept the blame, it validates their mindset.
It makes the fairy tale they’re promoting sound real. It gives legs to their lies. When you refuse accepting the blame and lies, it keeps the blame from taking a life of its own.
Second, remind yourself that they made the choice to cheat. You may or may not have done things contributing to the situation, but they chose the option of cheating.
Part of reminding yourself of their choice includes you not picking up the blame they directed at you. Recall that the stress you’re feeling is coming from the reactions your having inside.
There are things you can do that shrink or remove toxic patterns between you and your spouse. In the video “Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions” I share ways of changing how the two of you deal with each other. Click the link and download the video now in order to start making those changes.
Each day you put off making change allows the unhealthy patterns another day of influencing your thinking and emotions. The longer those unhealthy patterns remain, the deeper they sink into your heart and brain.
Change is possible. It can also start today rather than putting it off any longer.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
