There’s always more hope for marriages when the betrayer is admitting their unfaithfulness and looking for answers than those filled with denial. It also helps when the unfaithful spouse is looking for ways of fixing the damage rather than generating excuses and looking for who to blame.
So when a wife wrote to me stating “ I was wrong to be unfaithful. How can I fix this?”, I saw potential.
Anytime there’s a change in attitude from defensiveness and denial to one filled with assuming responsibility, acknowledging the wrong and looking for ways of repairing the relationship, it shows me that some heart-felt change has occurred.
In response to the question, she’s already taken the first couple of steps. She acknowledged what she did, along with the wrongness of what occurred.
These are two critical steps. Assuming responsibility is a good start.
Acknowledging that the affair was wrong is also important. In her husband’s mind, the affair was wrong. When she validates his experience it starts opening up dialogue between them.
At this point, some betrayed spouses are still so hurt they aren’t willing to give you a chance. Some even go so far as to want to punish you and make you hurt the way that they are hurting.
A principle I discuss in my material is the see-saw of pain. During recovery from the affair, pain shifts from one spouse to the other. That’s a natural part of healing from the affair.
Reducing that pain starts with each of you assuming responsibility for your own part in what happened. The challenge lies in sorting out what belongs to each of you. The sorting out starts when the two of you start really listening to each other.
In my video on “Help for the Cheater: Starting the Road to Recovery“, I go into further detail on what’s next in your recovery journey. Click the link, download the video and start on your recovery in the next few minutes.
Rather than feeling lost as to “What do I do next?“, you can have a plan and direction for turning your situation around.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
