In one of the special reports I shared with members of the Restored Lifestyle site the topic of co-regulation was addressed in how it relates to traumas. When you have those out of control feelings related to trauma, one of the ways of calming down is through co-regulation.
I thought of this recently on seeing an old grave of a child. What made this grave unique was that it included a stairway behind the tombstone, so that the mother could comfort her dead child during storms.
Although I don’t see the innovation as practical, the idea of a mother wanting to comfort the child struck me. Co-regulating is about using your relationship in comforting those who feel out of control. related to the trauma. That mother wanted to comfort her child and in doing so comfort herself.
Co-regulating is very helpful in overcoming the trauma related to the affair and the triggers that set you off. The key piece is that the cheater has to learn ways of co-regulating the betrayed. They need to initiate co-regulation as part of healing the hurts that happened.
They can agitate you or comfort you. The reality is that the two of you do change each other’s moods and thinking. Co-regulating goes on whether you’re conscious of it or not.
Co-regulating is not just about comfort. That’s part of it, but it requires even more.
Co-regulating requires the regulator helping contain the out of control emotions when they erupt, including those they may trigger. This involves helping contain the thinking, the emotions and the reactions.
At those moments, you help them regulate themselves. It’s so much more than just telling them “you need to get yourself together”.
Instead, it requires taking initiative in helping in ways they accept when those moments of feeling out of control happen. Co-regulation happens in relationship. Your brains interact with each other.
This means that both of you need some understanding of Affair Trauma and handling the effects of it. There are some parts of the reactions to the affair that take more than just talking things out.
Co-Regulating includes hugs without sex, it includes listening without defending yourself.
The first part is understanding the trauma of the affair and how it impacts them physically, emotionally and mentally. In the video on “Overcoming Affair Trauma”, you can attain the information and techniques you need in order to move past the affair and its impact.
It could be that some traumas from earlier in their life are making adjustment to the affair a bigger challenge than you imagined. Since trauma has a cumulative impact. The more you have gone through, the tougher it becomes. The affair may just be one in a series of traumas.
The scars of trauma won’t go away on their own with enough time. It’s going to take more than that. Consider whether you want your marriage to survive or thrive.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
