If you’ve been with me for an extended time, you know what my thoughts are on the question of What type of affair was it?‘ I think addressing this question too soon creates more problems than it solves.
Just the other day, I encountered yet another reason why this question is dangerous. The reason was an article citing another ‘expert’ from New York on when you should admit to your partner that you cheated.
Although the title of the article was innocuous enough, the ‘expert’ shared her thoughts on when to tell along with when not to tell your spouse about an affair. When she began elaborating on this topic, she stated, “... deciding whether to tell your partner may ultimately come down to the type of infidelity it was.”
Think about it, apparently the ‘type of affair’ question is now being used as a reason for being dishonest with your spouse. This expert is giving the cheater permission to lie and hide based on what kind of affair it was.
She’s treating infidelity and the associated intimacy as if it is some kind of conditional situation.
The one-night stands are considered not worth sharing with your spouse. She uses the term ‘one-off’ situations.
She also discourages honesty in situations where being honest would be ‘cruel and hurtful’. In my mind, it’s more cruel and hurtful to keep the secret and have you believing a lie.
I don’t know about you, but one-off and situations where something happened that could be considered cruel or hurtful are things I would need to know about.
Marriage vows are not conditional in the sense of promising to stick with each other only with certain sicknesses and during specified periods of health. Neither should honesty be conditional based on ‘what type of affair’ it was.
Making such a unilateral decision weakens your marriage. Following this ‘expert’ means one spouse is deciding what the other should have access to in the name of protecting them.
Some of you may need that kind of protection, although I prefer having the honesty and hurt over dishonesty and being pain-free. You have to decide what kind of marriage you want, whether one based on lies and deception or honesty and all it brings with it.
The cheating needs to be dealt with head-on prior to sorting out kinds and types of affairs. Too often, the kinds and type of affair question are used as cover by the cheater in avoiding or minimizing the consequences of their choices.
When you are ready for dealing with affair recovery head-on, consider joining the Restored Lifestyle site. There you’ll find helps and videos whether you are the cheater or the betrayed.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
2 Responses
Yes, deceiving and making your spouse live a lie is the ultimate manipulative and controlling behavior. They are not free to understand the truth of the situation and make their own choices.
Untold,
It’s good hearing from you.I agree with your sentiment. Deceiving and allowing your spouse to live a lie is manipulative. Deceiving those closest to you is often easiest, yet most destructive of things you can do.
The law of cause and effect or what some call ‘law of natural consequences’ is the only way some people finally arrive at the truth. Deception amounts to avoiding those consequences.
I’ve often viewed engaging in irresponsible behavior while avoiding consequences is at the core of many pathologies.
-Jeff