Affairs are hell on families. Even though they have disastrous consequences, in some families, affairs are an on-going event stretching across generations. When there is a strong family pattern of affairs, there are some tough
questions that have to be considered. One is whether an affair is a family problem or an individual’s choice? When there is no family history of affairs, the answer is clear. When there is a strong family history of affairs, the
answers get murky. When I consider such families, I often wonder if they have problems with intimacy and their way of dealing with it is through affairs? The prevalence of affairs is often found in combination with other problems associated with poor impulse control. So in those cases, are the affairs just one addiction hiding among many?
In such cases, I do not find clear answers to my questions and concerns. What the data does tell me
is that when you encounter an affair, especially when there is a strong family history, the problem may go deeper than you first assume. Even those generations that did not admit to affairs often show indications that some happened. Are their families that just can not commit to other people? There are times that I wonder about such speculation. These families also show me that affairs do impact children, and grandchildren, etc. When I encounter such families, I realize that those persons who hide their affairs behind “It’s an adult matter that does not concern the kids” are either lying or do not know what is going on.
When I study the genograms of adulterers, it is always an education. You can often learn more from looking at patterns than by asking cheaters about their behavior.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
