Narcissism is hard to understand and deal with. When you mix affairs with narcissism, relationships become very confusing.
If you’re married to a narcissist understanding where you are and what is going on can be troubling. There is also the matter of how narcissistic the cheater is.
The degree of narcissism amounts to how ‘deep’ you are in the situation. With a hard core narcissist, they may view the affair as ‘therapeutic’ or a way of attaining self-actualization.
They often have affairs with those they think will ‘complete’ them. When you confront them, they really do not understand why you are not happy for them at what happened. To them it was a good thing.
This is a way of thinking that is totally topsy-turvy from what you are used to.
One trait of a narcissist is the hypocrisy that surrounds them. They often live one life that’s respectable and prominent, while the other side of them is twisted and cruel.
They bounce from one extreme to the other. When you live with them, you see the swings and often think that you are the one who is ‘crazy’ since they go from one extreme to the other and show no discomfort with doing so.
They lead this double-life and think nothing of it. You are expected to adjust to it and admire them.
Daring to question them or bring up the dysfunction often triggers strong reactions from them. Daring to bring up the affair often puts you on the receiving end of their wrath.
They see nothing wrong with what they are doing and do not want anyone seeing anything wrong with it either.
You aren’t going crazy. They really are hard to deal with.
They’ll have you so confused, that you start believing that you are the ‘problem’ since you do not approve of what they are doing. This is part of the disorder and the way that they do things.
During affair recovery you’ll need somewhere you can talk. The forums of the support community at Restored Lifestyle is a place where you can share without getting backlash from a narcissistic spouse.
There you can share your experiences with others going through similar challenges.
Best Regards,
Jeff
9 Responses
True….to some degree I think anyone who endulges in adultery and does so long term is narcissistic…and the effects upon the ‘front ‘family becomes the cover for the adulterer and when you do not realize what they are doing you really DO begin to regard yourself as the ‘problem’ and ‘lacking ‘some kind of sense….Even to this day I am not sure if I am ‘stupid’ or ‘scatterbrained’ but I see some indications that I have doubted my perception and my memory. I joked about this …simply because it is distressing if you take it too seriously.
I forget things , I KNOW I KNOW things that are not any part of my husband …but when it comes to life that has been a result of his lies …that leaves me in the dark and often I have doubted my own ability to know what to trust.
I am continuing to work through this ….but my husband’s state is curious …he is very silent and withholding now that he has been found out. He has ceased to speak to me or anyone …wishing to be ‘alone’ and though staying in our home is very withdrawn . He does not share his thoughts even about our necessary issues such as finance.
I feel that there is purpose in my staying in the marriage that is a part of the spiritual reason for the vows we make to the Lord . It is almost like if something happens to one it is the other who needs to be there for them
In a sense I see his decent into sinful choices as almost a state of captivity …not quite an ‘illness’ but the results are the same in terms of me not having a partner in the life which was so possible when we began.
He made a lot of money and rose high on the corporate ladder. He indulged his every whim and desire and had the admiration and affection of all of his co workers and employees. He was a man who ‘made’ it …and worked hard to do so …He even was thought of as a fair and honest boss….
I admired his attitude of watching over the people he worked with so thoughtfully….and I took a back seat to his life with hope and belief one day it would be US living our days as some we see do.
No such thing. My faith is not something he is interested in …he is deeply invested now in what appears to be self pity. He has no interest in anything much. None of his old activities …and a minimum interest and pleasure in his children which seem to be the only thing left that keeps him going.
Sad….I asked him if he would get help and he said he ‘did’ and it was no use. I perceive that to some degree this may be a ploy to make his misery MY fault even as he SAYS he takes full responsibly for his behavior….
His present sequestering himself to work, working out, and a minimum participation in the lives of the other children and ours…..seems like a punishment to me ….for what ? Maybe because I married him and he decided later he did not like marriage …except for the use of it to keep other women from pressing him to be more involved with them.
What a sad man.
Zaza,
Dealing with a Narcissist or one with narcissistic tendencies often leaves you doubting yourself. Covering up as jokes or being ‘scatterbrained’ are common ways of dismissing it. As you said, it is “because it is distressing if you take it too seriously”. Many times accepting hard truths is distressing. They are too overwhelming to take all at once. Acceptance of those truths often comes a little at a time. Narcissists have a way of blaming others and those that surround them often take that blame on. It is only through great effort that you can break out of that pattern of either them blaming you or you blaming yourself either directly or indirectly (by not accepting compliments, subtle put-downs, etc.). The struggle is in many ways deciding whether you are going to allow them to dictate your reality or accepting the actual reality. It really is like going from one world to another.
You also said, “I feel that there is purpose in my staying in the marriage that is a part of the spiritual reason for the vows we make to the Lord . It is almost like if something happens to one it is the other who needs to be there for them”. I am glad that you have the courage to stay. There is a purpose. It is not based solely on ‘feeling’, you do have a purpose. You are choosing to honor your commitment (vow). That is the ‘right’ thing to do. In modern society, people often want to dismiss right and wrong. Hearing you taking a stand encourages me.
Your husband refusing to talk does make it worse. When the cheater refuses to talk, it leaves their spouse ‘filling in the blanks’ with their assumptions. It often leaves people (the spouse who stays) thinking and feeling like they are the crazy ones. The silence of the narcissist will make you feel crazy. In some ways it is them communicating ‘non-verbally’ albeit through silence, some of the craziness that they are going through. They do communicate, yet it is hard tuning out your own ‘noise’ to tune into what they are communicating to you.
Thank you for sharing. The challenges posed by narcissism and affairs is an issue that many couples are struggling through in silent desperation.
Thank you for responding….He went to live in an apartment tonight to begin to try to live with his mess….a totally selfish choice…and one he seemed to have been planning all the while living here as if he was going to stay and work things out here. Said he cannot keep seeing me because he can’t forgive himself ….I now believe he lied and is lying….no matter what he is GOING to do …It hurt our daughters and our son ….I have tried to give him all the ‘space’ to deal with himself here …it was no enough ‘space’ apparently …
I pray for him to have his confrontation with the LORD ….no one else is going to get through to him. Sadly ..to me it is the cowards way out….
Zaza,
It saddens me to hear that he moved out. That must pain you. Your perceptions are accurate in term so his being ‘totally selfish’ and ‘he seemed to have been planning all the while”. It would explain why he would not talk. He did not want to engage you or connect in a serious way. It is almost as if he was there as a ‘going through the motions’ gesture for his own conscience sake, although from what you told me, his heart was not fully with you or in the home.
He needs continued prayer. I often suggest “Hosea’s prayer” which he prayed for Gomer when she went astray (aka ‘hedge of thorns’ prayer). It is often very effective in situations such as yours. I will continue to pray with you as well.
Thank you Jeff and your wife….I do desire your prayers,…few are in on the things here….so it is important that I share with people who truly will keep this before the Lord.
I can’t help but wonder if I was wrong about some people being simply beyond the reach of prayer ….are there TRULY people who are just plain evil? I have never wanted to accept that since Jesus died for the sins of the whole world but it with all the deception working from outside a person and the selfishness unrestrained within …perhaps at some point they become as the word tells us ‘reprobate’ and beyond the reach of GOD’S merciful grace to truly repent….He did not seek true repentance but simply his own way …and tried to have one foot in his own world and one in our home…
It crushed our daughters ..even though they are in their twenties…when he called them today he put them in a ‘straight’ about what he asked them to go for a treat with him!
I feel like it is like the wolf who is stalking the flock and picks off the lambs …those who are too polite to deal with that wolf in terms he must be confronted with. My youngest who he left to do most of the heavy physical lifting as she is strong….and he has left his ‘hard’ things for others all throughout our marriage…shirking his responsibilities because he was too busy ..with work ..etc.
He is a big , strong man but can’t deal with his responsibilities or handle the pain he says he ‘sees ‘ in our eyes…
I feel he is doing what he does with our children now to manipulate them .
I know the Word tells children to obey their parents in the Lord when young and to honor them as adults but it also says that we are to not keep company with those who are rejecting the Lord and walking after sin …continually making rationalizations for their actions.
Lip service …and every time we buy his lies and then we get this kind of ‘boom’ …it hurts and actually harms my daughters perception of him and what to hope for in a future husband.
I speak up to keep things in perspective by the Word in a kind and calm tone because I cannot stand by and allow my husband to continue being deceived and to deceive….
He seems to use all people for his own aims….but cloaks them as if he ‘needs’ to do this ‘so he can get better’ ….etc….or works on the emotions so you feel sorry for him being so ‘sad’ about his sin.! But then this comes out …and this while we all have pulled in the belt because of our debts….we have no money to speak of and are in debt yet he has a pricey place in the community near by .
When he first spoke of this he acted like he was going to get some dingy place of no account so he could have some time away from the pain of our household…come to find out it is a far cry from that …So I suspect he has lied about any money that does not appear in our account that I CAN access…..
He is so smart and financially canny it is hard to know what is going on .
To say he loves his daughters and do these things is simply so obvious to them he is not to be trusted but they being raised in the Word are polite and want to honor their dad…..hard place to be in .
I know when I hear some guy complain about his wife my first thought NOW is that she is in that condition IF she is indeed as bad as he say DUE TO HIS TREATMENT or NEGLECT and that is because GOD says in His word to husbands that his wife is AS HIS OWN BODY and she is HIS jurisdiction …no one else .
God commanded husband to do all that He does for the wife because it is beneficial to the HUSBAND and it is good for the kids.
No one can penetrate the selfish man I married …not even his own kids…he believes his own idea of how good he is because he plans to visit and ‘keep’ in contact with them!
Contact for moments does not a father make…..It is accommodating his selfish image of himself as a ‘good guy’ but ‘flawed’ as if that is an excuse.
IF sin were OK because we are weak then we would not need a SAVIOR for the COST of sin …and the punishment due it …and we would not be held accountable for HOW we have lived either IN our walk after Christ …or IF we even cared about walking after Him
One woman shared with me that her husband is a porn addict and attempted to grope their young daughter …so he left them …but got an attorney with his money and now the kids are FORCED to visit with him even though they don’t want to being old enough now to really know what is what …but the judge believed the father who said his kids lied.
He teaches at a church …and still does porn and says that if God wanted him to stop he would stop him!
His wife and children go to the church were I have started to go and I met the daughter and about a month later met her mother and they both shared with me the same story and then I made the connection that they were of the same family .
It is hateful what is happening in our world on one point ….but it also indicates the fulfillment of Matt 24 and other places which tell of those things that will increase in number and intensity as the Day draws closer.
Sad times ….how fathers and mothers can DO what they do and yet try to coax their children to accept their sin as ‘OK” or ‘normal’ just because we ‘now know that the sins of adultery are old fashioned” ….Man’s laws do not negate the laws of GOD and that day is coming where no one will take that excuse to GOD and those who persuade children that adultery [remarriage] is their job to adjust to ….are leading children to accept a sinful life style as OK….
As I see it , my husband’s efforts to make his children feel ‘better’ about his abandoning his responsibilities is EVIL …and in his effort to ‘be there’ for the children of adultery he is going to fail to example right fathering to them as well.
Until he repents and turns to seek after the Lord to help him FULFILL his vows …I think he will flounder around ….I do pray for all of them …The will of GOD be done …for some that may not be pleasant as they keep resisting and rebelling …for others it may work for them unto salvation out of their awaking to their need ….I hope for the latter.
Thank you for your listening ear….I appreciate your prayers….no joke!
Zaza,
In regards to your question about whether some people are truly evil, my experience is “yes”. I have also seen how some of the most evil are those hidden within the robes of the church. As to whether they are beyond the reach of prayer, the answer is “no”. They are not beyond the reach of it. That is where we have to rely on God’s power rather than our own logic. He glories in accomplishing things that are viewed as humanly impossible.
Thank you Jeff….I agree with your statements here ….tares among the wheat …and if this is so then why are we surprised when other tares are exposed….huh….I appreciate your sharing here …have not heard the radio one as yet…I am sure it is good though if is anything like this blog!(“.>”)
The Bible speaks to Double Mindedness. It also speaks of “the reprobate”. It says that God will send them “strong delusions”so that they will live to them. Reminds me-GOD Hardened Pharoh’s Heart! Our command is to Pray & yes the wheat and tares grow together. Narcacissm (in my opinion & experience) breaks ANY & ALL COVENANT of what God designed marriage to be. “What does Righteouness have to do with Unrighteouness?”. There is an Abyss in these persons and staying leaves a “normal warm blooded human being so alone, so neglected, so Used-I find it difficult to believe that is The Abundant Life Christ had in mind for US!! Traditions of MEN are what have twisted The Scriptures and made women second class citizens & objects. GOD however calls us DAUGHTERS (TO A KING). And I Deserve to Be Honored the way HE SAID!! Not MARTYRED for my husband because God ALSO set the Standards for him. Yes we all sin & fall short (forgivable by any standard). Repetition on the other hand completely VOIDS a Renewing of The Mind-God’s work within Us by Our Choice in submission & obedience to him. If its not there (Actions) then it is only (Acting) more manipulation. Christ showed Empathy for sinners NOT Sympathy. If I sympathize-I am an Enabler to sin then I Am Guilty!! Jeff-U KNOW YOUR STUFF BETTER THAN ANY OTHER SITE I HAVE BEEN ON. ESPECIALLY NAILING IT ON NARCISSISM!!!!
Dianah,
Thank you for your encouraging words on narcissism. I agree that people have definitely twisted the Scriptures. In twisting them, they have changed the meaning of marriage and family. They’ve also mangled the purpose of marriage to where now days it’s only purpose is happiness and safe sex. When the purpose has been so twisted and convoluted, it leads to confusion and messed up marriage. Those messed up marriages end up messing up society and culture itself.
Along with the twisting of marriage also comes the twisting or morals and the gospel message itself. During the days of the early church, believers were told to cease fellowship with some people, value the truth and justice. These days, truth and justice are whatever people say they are and ceasing fellowship is now viewed as the ‘unforgivable sin’ in some congregations. ‘How dare you’ not include ______ in your church! is the common response these days. Forget seeking righteousness, or morality. You’ll be labelled a ‘hater’.