A reader recently requested knowing whether or not the length of an affair makes a difference. The simple answer is that yes, the length of an affair does make a difference.
Although the affair experience of a one-night stand is shocking, the impact of a long term affair hits you differently.
There are several reasons for this. First, the longer the affair, the more emotional connection develops. The greater the emotional connection, the greater the hurt.
The longer the affair drags on, the more the hurt is drug out. When enough hurt develops, there’s a hardening of your heart to relationships and other’s feelings.
The longer affairs also increase the risk of pregnancy and being found out.
Let’s talk numbers:
About 10% of affairs are the one night stand type.
Another 10% of affairs are longer than one night, yet shorter than a month. The greater part of affairs last longer than a month, yet shorter than two years.
No matter the length of the affair, each experience is bad news. Each has some of their own unique hurts that require different handling.
However, the longer the affair, the more likely that affairs become part of a couple’s pattern of relating to each other. As you know from reading this blog, patterns of relating are what cause distress in relationships.
The first consideration when dealing with an affair is not its length but just figuring out whether it was sexual or emotional in nature. The longer the affair, the greater the amount of emotional nature involved.
All affairs hurt. Having to choose between a short-term versus long term affair is akin to asking someone how they want their heart carved out of them, whether with a razor sharp knife or a dull, rusty knife. Either way, you’ll still be hurt, wounded and bleeding.
The long-term affair has the additional dimension of discovering that you were not just lied to, you lived within a lie.
If you have a long term affair to work through, your healing will require facing what you discovered was true about your partner while the affair was going on. This will set off all of the issues that exist in your relationship.
Discovering a long-term lie often carries with it a deeper betrayal. About 30% of affairs last two years or longer.
The wound seems to go deeper and be sharper than one-night stands. You may discover that the pain of living a lie brings with it another layer of pain to the affair. That layer of pain is compounded by each day, each month, each year of the affair.
Each segment of time means that there was that much more deceit, lying, scheming and deceiving. With the long term affair, there is a sense that the cheater stole your whole sense of reality, your past, and your identity. You need to find yourself in the rubble of what was once your life.
Even if you manage to forgive the affair, there will always be a part of you that remains suspicious and wary of how far the pain went and how deep it went with your partner.
While you were assuming that you were being the good spouse, they were living a double-life and you find yourself the butt of an elaborate and long-standing joke.
In some cases, there may be a sense of life having become very ‘unreal’ or surreal. That is a natural reaction to this kind of hurt. You were living a fantasy that you did not realize was a fantasy.
You were living a life that was crafted and shaped by the cheater. They created it, you lived it and they assumed that no one was the wiser.
The level of betrayal you feel at such a discovery is beyond your comprehension until it happens. You feel like chunks have been ripped out of you and often when they are returned, you find them damaged or deranged.
You now have to deal with the tasks of rebuilding yourself, knowing who you are, getting back your whole sense of self.
It was a “Truman Show” kind of experience, where everyone was in on what was really going on….except you.
With that kind of wounding, you may find that there is a dimension of loneliness, or that no one else understands how bad you are hurting. Since they did not share in how you were hurt, they do not understand what you are going through.
For those who are emotionally fragile, going through such an experience can be very shattering, rather than just wounding.
As part of the healing you will need a new central focus to your life. Since your spouse let you down in a major way, they can not be depended on to be the central focus.
The central focus is also known as ‘centering’ or ‘grounding’. You need a central reference point from which to start rebuilding your sense of self, and healing from what happened.
This may have you questioning many things about yourself and your value system. This is common with deep wounding that happens with long term affairs.
You may find that it takes longer to forgive the long-term affair. At times you may wonder which was worse, the lies or the cheating. When you are in pain, it is hard to distinguish levels of pain, since you are hurting so much.
You can get through the pain, although it is important that you do not try to rush the healing. It will happen at its own pace. With deep wounds, it often takes longer, since there is more wounding that needs healing. With deep wounding, there is also more scar tissue that develops.
Have you been cheated on?
“Dealing with Affair Trauma” is a video that guides you through the pain associated with affair trauma. It’s not just about understanding what happened, but also how to move past it. This will help you understand some of the unique challenges posed by long-term affairs.
You’ll learn how to deal with betrayal and find closure in your relationship again. You’ll be able to get back on your feet and start living life again without feeling like someone else has taken over your life. And if you’re looking for more information, check out our other blog posts An for tips and tricks from experts who have dealt with this themselves!
Action: Click here now to download this video!
Best Regards,
Jeff
