As the whole Ashley Madison hack unfolds, millions of you are discovering that your spouse was cheating on you. Yes, I said millions. The latest number is 28 million unique emails involved.
That is 28,000,000. When numbers get that big, it’s hard understanding them. Let me give you a comparison. This is a little over the whole population of Venezuela. If you’ve never been there and can not grasp the number of people involved. It is about 50% of the population of Canada. That will give you a comparison in terms of numbers of people involved.
With infidelity being exposed on such a large scale, many spouses are now wondering “Can the cheater love me again?”
The answer is “Yes”, the cheater can love you again. Surprisingly many cheaters do turn from their ways and are able to love their spouses again, which includes you. This is encouraging news. It is possible for them to love again.
The next questions you have to consider are whether you are willing to let them love you and what it takes to make that happen. Although I wish the turnaround was as simple as a one you make in an automobile, making emotional and relational turnarounds takes effort, experience and determination.
The bottom line is that a turnaround is possible. It can be done.
Many cheaters do not know how to rewire their emotions. Most couples do not know how to communicate, forgive and move past what happened.
Sure, in terms of a timeline, they get past it, although the issues surrounding the affair are often unresolved and filled with emotional live wires. Successful turnarounds resolve the issues surrounding the affair. They also find ways to better meet each others needs and open up their relationship in ways it was not open before.
Let me return to the question, “Are you willing to let them love you?” This is a crucial question to consider. If you want the cheater to be forever prostrate in repentance, you are not willing to let them love you.
If you’re wanting to know all the lurid details to the point that you could recreate the lover and the affair in your mind, you are not ready to let them love you. When that happens you are letting them continue loving the lover, not you.
The cheater needs to love you and only you, without calling out the lover’s name. Remember it is not just the cheater that calls out the lover’s name, it could also be you. Part of allowing your spouse to love you again includes removing the lover, from your heart, from your mind and from your bedroom.
You and your spouse may also have to revisit what it means to love someone.
It’s not just about sexual enjoyment. It is also about getting close to each other, about sharing the past, present and future. It is about having a sense of being ‘at one’. When you constantly have fears, regrets or animosities regarding the affair and how it was handled, that sense of being at one is not there.
If your cheater is looking for help in knowing how to start recovery, the video “Cheater Recovery” guides them in knowing how to get started loving you again. The video includes instruction in what needs changing and ways of starting the change needed in recovery.
Best Regards,
Jeff
4 Responses
I think evidence for repentance is one good place to start. Trust is difficult to build upon the ‘sand’ of promises and the weighty past evidence of a long “resume ” of creative lying and academy award winning deceit!
In terms of change in scripture I see that the first change must be one of the HEART…..many think repentance is only a decisive mental attitude …but the depth of that commitment to the new life is the change of the heart which scripture declares is the work of the Holy Spirit when one is convicted of sin to the degree that several evidences become visible in their demeanor and actions ongoing and growing in the content of the character toward reliable content.
10 For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death.
11 For behold this selfsame thing, that ye sorrowed AFTER A GODLY SORT
1) what carefulness it wrought in you,
2) yea, what clearing of yourselves,
3) yea, what indignation,
4) yea, what fear,
5) yea, what vehement desire,
6) yea, what zeal,
7) yea, what revenge!
In ALL things ye have approved yourselves to be clear in this matter.
12 Wherefore, though I wrote unto you, I did it NOT for his cause that had done the wrong, nor for his cause that suffered wrong, but that our care for you in the sight of God might appear unto you.
Reproof is for the GLORY of GOD ….and in one that has repented in truth …there is a lot here that indicates effort to learn how to avoid doing the same hurtful things over again.
Trust is key …for without it there is nothing to sustain love
In the Bible the concern is for right doctrine…for without truth there is no love .
Today many error in thinking doctrine from scripture is irrelavant …that is a ploy of the devil to steal , kill and destroy the stability that comes from God’s word which He provided to establish for those who trust in HIM from knowiing His word and having seen it to be faithful and reliable truth …to be protected .
Stability is what a solid foundation provides for houses , buildings and especially in families. A marriage that is founded upon the foundation provided by God through the knowledge of the truth rightly divided is sure.
A life grounded in the living Word who is Jesus CHrist and the written God breathed Word …has a good foundation. It establishes trustworthy character .
When we have blown it in life God offers us forgiveness and cleansing by the blood of Jesus Christ for HIS work to be continued in us .
The work of GOD is that we believe in Him and if we believe in Him we then are called upon to study the word and rightly divide it and learn to apply it to our thinking, choices and behaviors .
This kind of ‘walking’ in the spirit , which is His Word …brings forth the fruit of a solid character on which one may begin to trust and rely .
When a man or woman lies and builds a lifetime of lies …their emotions and affections have caused havoc because they have made their choices by the flesh…lust…
Even marital sexuality can be destroyed by lust. Lust is of the flesh and is driven by self interest. The World has confused people with outward enticements to sin and think thoughts and drive the flesh and have redefined what love is .
One fruit of the spirit is SELF CONTROL.
We are told to put on the mind of Christ and to mortify the fleshly desires …putting on the godly perspective upon all things…including sex.
God made sex for the good of the married man and woman…it is good ..within the boundaries of holy matrimony.
Many do not get this kind of information as the world often has had a ‘head start’ working fantasies upon the minds of children not trained up in the truth of scripture.
There are two ditches which work against the joy of marital love and satisfaction…one is license and the other is legalism.
To rightly relate to one’s spouse and to be reconciled to them the spouses both need to be on the same page concerning Jesus Christ who is the only one who can and will resurrect love and trust in those who approach Him with sorrowing and humble hearts with intention to follow Him and do as He instructs for His glory and our good.
A spouse who SAYS he or she is sorry has to recognize that even God judges what the motive of the heart is and according to scripture unless the change is within by His spirit …the heart of the fallen man since Adam has been ‘deceitful and desperately wicked’
So as I see it …without a true conversion to Jesus Christ …there will be good reason to doubt the sincerity of a person who has lived their lives taking advantage of the trust of others.
Mat 16:24 Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.
Laying down our pride …and putting our flesh ‘to death’ by way of walking the new way …according to His Words…is difficult but not impossible.
It is a matter of loving GOD enough…more than self. That comes when we begin to realize what SIN IS …how deadly and damaging it is to ourselves and how it has endangered us …and damaged others.
Then to begin to realize what a precious gift we have been offered by the one man who was perfectly sinless who paid the debt we owe …without our having any capacity to pay it !
God is holy and just. He must deal with sin and that ‘dealing ‘ is called the judgement.
Along with forgiveness of sin we need LIFE …and before we come to Christ we have no life….nor love
God is love…indeed but not as the world defines it by it’s self centered desire for having emotional or sensual lusts fulfilled…which can never be satisfied…
Without the Son of GOD we do not have the Father who is love….if we don’t know Him we do not know what real love is .
Despite all of the ways mankind believes they know…only GOD is ‘good’ and only the Father is what ‘love’ is .
The counterfeit has been active too long and getting away with ripping people off due to ignorance of the Word of GOD and the truth of it.
Seeking this out for one’s own instruction from scripture is wise but the need for the Lord to open our eyes as we do so is essential….for God is Spirit and His Words are spirit…and they are life.
This is what Jesus told us …the Holy Spirit will guide those who ask into all truth as they study and obey the commands of GOD found in all scripture.
Jas 4:6 But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble.
Isa 57:15 For thus saith the high and lofty One that inhabiteth eternity, whose name is Holy; I dwell in the high and holy place, with him also that is of a contrite and humble spirit, to revive the spirit of the humble, and to revive the heart of the contrite ones.
Jas 4:10 Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up.
1Pe 5:6 Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time:
Heb 11:6 But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.
Seeking and study of the Word is what GOD will reward with understanding and wisdom …how to do marriage….how to live life…how to SEE what is true and what is false by HIS view.
1Jo 2:5 But whoso keepeth his word, in him verily is the love of God perfected: hereby know we that we are in him.
There are many claims being made among those who DO declare God is love…just as scripture tells us …but there is a vast difference between what man’s definition and todays worldly definition of the word ‘love’ is .
The truth is found in He who IS THE Truth ….Jesus Christ the righteous.
Only examining all things by His Word through His Spirit will this truth be confirmed.
Gnosticism has been taking aim at Biblical truth from the first Century …only through study of the Word can one KNOW …not by feelings or emotions but by TRUTH what is so.
Isa 44:6 Thus saith the LORD the King of Israel, and his redeemer the LORD of hosts; I am the first, and I am the last; and beside me there is no God.
Just as God does not ordain any other beside Himself …He has demanded fidelity to Himself and to His Word through Jesus Christ…who is the faithful witness and is alive forever more.
Man is called upon by God to be faithful in his vows to his bride…for he is given the privilege to demonstrate how Jesus Christ is faithful to HIS bride the church.
This is a blessing and a big responsibility that GOD will enable that man who sets his heart and mind to obey and walk in marriage as God designed and ordained it to be enjoyed and experienced for a lifespan here on this earth presently.
.Mat 25:21 His lord said unto him, Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord.
Jas 1:12 Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him.
Let no one be discouraged when they have stumbled or have been deceived because the Lord will save to the uttermost all who come to Him and follow Him. He will train those who do this ..
Jhn 8:31 Then said Jesus to those Jews which believed on him, If ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed;
This is our hope and our salvation.
Zaza,
Wow! That is a lot of insight. I agree with most of it with a hearty Amen! I do have some concern for these thoughts:
“Trust is key …for without it there is nothing to sustain love
In the Bible the concern is for right doctrine…for without truth there is no love .”
In my experience, you need both trust and love. You also need truth and love. I have seen people have one without the other. Truth spoken without love comes across as ‘cruelty’. Love alone often hides the truth. They need to go together. This is based on a principle from Ephesians 4:15, “…But speaking the truth in love…” This is one of the qualities associated with maturity. It is easy to be very zealous about ‘truth’ to the point where you can alienate people by speaking it. This is why is has to be tempered with love.
I agree that truth is essential, especially doctrinal truths in our current days. That does not change that we have to temper the presentation of it with love. Love alone does not cut it, neither does truth alone. You need both working together.
Many spouses have laid into the cheaters with too much ‘truth’ and not enough love and end up alienating themselves from their spouse. Truth is strong medicine and often has to be dosed out to others in the amounts they can handle. –Your thoughts?
Oops….the reference was 2 Cor 7 for that defining list of what ‘godly sorrow’ is in evidence. Its always a good idea to reexamine any bible reference in context.
Thank you!
I agree with you …as scripture defines what truth” is …and what “love ‘ is I think it is important to realize that social ‘truth’ and humanist ‘love’ though is lacking in how it works to bring forth healing and unity….without truth…HE who IS THE truth ….the definitions are compromised and thus understanding.
Indeed …two people marry to become one flesh …to live as God has brought them together in the one flesh identity of marriage as HE designed it.
So as you have pointed out …when two people marry if they define ‘love’ by their feelings, appetites and emotions only …apart from the whole context of the way GOD who is love defines it …they are going to have conflict.
Many times as we share the Word we experience a rejection of that Word or some other more emotional response as the ‘sword of the spirit’ will have an effect upon those who do not know or want the way God’s Word defines and directs according to His standards…and by the gift of salvation which exposes sin.
When sin is the issue …as your whole blog addresses….those who do not know what sin is or acknowledge that there is such a thing are most likely not going to see eye to eye …no matter how kind the word is spoken or gently the issues are approached….I think you may recognize this .
Jesus was hated by those who did not want to acknowledge that sin IS and that they were in need of a Savior.
In communicating within any relationship …like mindedness is one of the most important foundations by which two people may overcome differences.
This is most likely one of the powerful reasons that the Word directs believers to marry believers….
Sometimes there is deceit which only is revealed later on when the ‘hard’ parts of relationship begins to show up….even those who both are on the same page with the Lord have plenty of things to overcome in life and marriage.
The people who seem to feel they don’t have to put in the effort but depart when the realities of life and relationship press in and call for transparency …then become more vulnerable to any ‘exit’ activity or relationship that appeals to their need to escape dealing with it.
Speaking the truth in love no matter how nicely it is brought to the table does not assure anyone that it will be heard or perceived as either truth or love in those who do not walk in expectation of correction as God has told us we all are in need of …..to become free from deceit and various things which we need to overcome within …and grow through the situations where we need to be willing to hear….willing to be transparent…and willing to take some responsibility for our decisions.
Jesus was the most loving of all and people STILL did not receive what he said nor follow him…it is a spiritual condition as we war not against flesh and blood but as you know….it is thought by thought ..either based upon the Word as we grow in the knowledge and understanding of it OR it will be difficult to ‘get together’ on the most foundational issues of life , love and marriage.
Truely we are to live
Rom 12:18 If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.
But there are some basic truths which are not up for compromise ….God has set forth His Word…and infidelity is something that has never been an ‘option ‘ for man…God loves us and will equip those who are willing to listen to Him how to avoid the things which are imperative for a life which avoids the pitfalls of sin.
God loves us so HE has identified without any grey areas what sin is because it steals, kills and destroys…people may not realize that this IS a loving thing to do …because the carnal mind is enmity against the Word of God until we are born again and become instructed by continuing in His Word.
I believe that indeed patience is important…and gentleness…but some areas are best not left to become fuzzy and grey ….speaking what is God ‘s truth is love….something like warning someone who is standing on a railroad track with and oncoming train to “Get off the track!”
Some people will take issues with this no matter what you do. Some people will confuse kindness with weakness too…..and take advantage of a spouse’s good will ….just sayin…