In going through the affair-related blogs, one of the entries caught my eye. The writer has questions about residual feelings for his AP (Affair Partner / Lover).
Rather than getting into all the details, I’ll share the parts where he describes his struggle.
“I don’t know if this is normal but I still feel some level of sexual attraction and emotional connection to my AP. I don’t love her. I don’t want to be with her. My focus is on my family. Every day I write my wife a love note, and I write my daughter an apology note and leave it in her car. I have a picture of me and my family with all of the reasons they’re the most important things in the world to me in my wallet and I look at it when I think about AP.
I don’t like that I have these feelings and I’m really not sure if they’re normal. I figured I would’ve already purged my mind of her by now.”
The writer identified himself as “Istillthinkabouther”, which tells me he still feels the connection associated with the affair. It tells me that although he left her physically, he still identifies with her.
Let me start by saying ‘normal’ is a setting on a washing machine. Normal in terms of affair recovery doesn’t exist. Each person’s journey is unique to their experience.
It isn’t uncommon for someone in a situation like his to still have feelings for the AP because of how intense an affair can be. The emotions, physical connection and secrecy add intensity to the experience.
It confuses me that he states he has a sexual attraction, yet claims not to want to be with her. This kind of double-mindedness pulls you in different directions at the same time. It sounds like he’s torn between her and his new commitment to his family.
The reality is that once there’s bonding, connections are made both with the AP and in his head. His nervous system was re-wired. Although it’s normal that some residual effects remain, dwelling on them doesn’t help.
The more you give in to them, the stronger they’ll be and the longer they’ll remain. I’ve discussed this in some of my posts related to the changes that happen in the cheater’s brain with the affair.
Another issue is that with how your brain processes information, the word “don’t” doesn’t register. You may say “I don’t want to be with her”, yet that same message goes into your brain as “I want to be with her.”
Whether he realizes it or not, the very things he’s telling himself are programming his brain to ‘lock’ onto the AP. This is a case of self-defeating behavior in action.
Situations like his is why I created “Help for the Cheater: Starting the Road to Recovery” video. In it, I share what to do in turning situations like this around. I also share the danger of notes and letters in affair recovery.
It could be that one reason his notes aren’t convincing his daughter and wife are that they sense that his mind and heart aren’t fully in his recovery. Each time he fantasizes about his AP, it puts his recovery further behind.
If you want help in starting recovery from an affair, click and download the video today. Inside you’ll discover common mistakes like “Istillthinkabouther” is making. You can find proven ways of starting recovery or do it in the trial and error method.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
