The Cost of Acting Like Nothing Happened: Denying the Affair

One way of dealing with an affair is to act like nothing happened or treat it like it’s no big deal. This approach can help you through the initial crisis, although nothing is truly settled. It amounts to a type of denial. In this case, you’re denying that it hurts you as much as it does. 

This approach is a low-conflict way of handling the affair, yet it ultimately condones it. It also puts both of you in a situation where you keep a multitude of emotions bottled up inside. The assumption is made that since there’s little to no conflict, there’s little to no problem. This is where you’re leading yourself astray.

Whether you react on the outside or not, the reactions still occur inside your mind and body. Your gut and your brain know things aren’t right. They may even keep you up at night as a reminder. You may have avoided conflicts, but that doesn’t mean the affair issue is resolved. This approach also involves killing off some of your emotions. You live with each other, but your relationship suffers from not being honest and real with each other.

The Hidden Costs

Acting like nothing happened actually shuts down parts of your marriage relationship. You’ll be fortunate if the damage is limited to your relationship without impacting your health. There are also excuses like, "It happened such a long time ago." Just because it happened long ago doesn’t mean it no longer impacts your life. The affair continues impacting your lives as long as the issues remain unresolved. Keep in mind that half-resolved or half-heartedly resolved issues are unresolved issues.

When the affair and its impact continue nagging at you, there are unresolved issues. When fear, insecurity, and uncertainties about your marriage plague your thinking, there are unresolved issues.

Addressing Unresolved Issues

Moving past the affair requires more than just acknowledging that it happened. There are important issues and concerns that need attention. If you continue struggling with them, it’s time to call for help.

Brushing off the affair is tempting, especially when it seems easier than facing the emotional turmoil head-on. The “ignore it” strategy might work in the short term, but it’s a ticking time bomb. Your relationship needs transparency and honesty to heal and grow stronger.

The Illusion of Peace

Avoiding the issue might seem like it keeps the peace, but it’s a fragile and false sense of peace. Beneath the surface, resentment and unresolved emotions simmer, waiting to erupt. This can manifest in unexpected ways, such as sudden arguments, emotional distance, or even physical health issues. The body and mind are interconnected; what affects one will inevitably impact the other.

The Role of Time

You might think that time will heal the wounds of infidelity. While time can provide some perspective, it doesn’t automatically resolve the deep-seated issues that arise from betrayal. Without addressing the core problems, the passage of time might only bury them temporarily. They can resurface, causing even more pain and confusion later on.

Seeking Help

If you’re serious about moving past the affair and rebuilding your relationship, professional help can be invaluable. A therapist or counselor can provide a safe space for both of you to express your feelings, fears, and hopes for the future. They can also offer tools and strategies to help you navigate the complex emotions and rebuild trust.

Taking Action

When you’re ready to take those steps, I have some appointment times open up. Email me at [email protected]. Make a call that changes things. Don’t let unresolved issues fester and cause more damage. Addressing them head-on with the help of a professional can set you on the path to genuine healing and a stronger, more honest relationship.

The Importance of Communication

Open communication is crucial in addressing the aftermath of an affair. Both partners need to feel heard and understood. It's not just about airing grievances but also about rebuilding the emotional connection. This involves being vulnerable and honest about your feelings, which can be difficult but is necessary for healing.

Dealing with Emotional Pain

Acknowledging and addressing the emotional pain caused by the affair is vital. Suppressing these feelings can lead to emotional numbness and a disconnection from your partner. Instead, take the time to understand and process these emotions. This might involve journaling, talking to a trusted friend, or seeking therapy.

Rebuilding Trust

Trust is the foundation of any relationship; once it's broken, it takes time and effort to rebuild. This involves consistent, honest communication and a commitment to transparency. Both partners need to work on trust-building activities and be patient with each other during this process.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a crucial step in moving past an affair. It's not about condoning the behavior but about freeing yourself from the burden of resentment and anger. Forgiveness can be a long and challenging process, but it’s essential for healing and rebuilding the relationship.

Moving Forward

Moving past an affair doesn't mean forgetting it happened but rather integrating the experience into your relationship’s history and learning from it. This involves creating new, positive memories together and focusing on building a future that is stronger and more resilient.

Reflection Questions

1. How has ignoring the affair affected your relationship and emotional well-being?
2. What are your biggest fears about addressing the affair directly?
3. In what ways can seeking professional help benefit you and your spouse in healing from the affair?
4. What steps can you take today to start addressing the unresolved issues in your marriage?
5. How can open and honest communication improve the trust and intimacy in your relationship?

Keeping It Real,

Jeff