Does the Length of the Affair Make a Difference?

A reader recently asked whether the length of an affair matters. The simple answer is yes. Although the shock of a one-night stand is significant, the impact of a long-term affair hits you differently.

There are several reasons for this. First, the longer the affair, the more emotional connection develops. The greater the emotional connection, the greater the hurt. The longer the affair drags on, the more the hurt is prolonged. When enough hurt develops, one’s heart hardens to relationships and others' feelings.

Longer affairs also increase the risk of pregnancy and being found out. Let’s talk numbers: About 10% of affairs are the one-night stand type. Another 10% of affairs last longer than one night but less than a month. The majority of affairs last longer than a month but less than two years.

No matter the length of the affair, each experience is bad news. Each has its own unique hurts that require different handling. However, the longer the affair, the more likely it is to become part of a couple’s pattern of relating to each other. As you know from reading this blog, patterns of relating cause distress in relationships.

The first consideration when dealing with an affair is not its length but figuring out whether it was just sexual or emotional in nature. The longer the affair, the greater the emotional involvement. All affairs hurt. Choosing between a short-term versus a long-term affair is like asking someone how they want their heart carved out, whether with a razor-sharp knife or a dull, rusty one. Either way, you’ll still be hurt, wounded, and bleeding.

A long-term affair adds the dimension of discovering that you were not just lied to but lived within a lie. If you have a long-term affair to work through, your healing will require facing what you discovered about your partner during the affair. This will set off all the issues in your relationship.

Discovering a long-term lie often carries with it a deeper betrayal. About 30% of affairs last two years or longer. The wound from a long-term affair tends to go deeper and be sharper than from a one-night stand. You may discover that the pain of living a lie adds another layer of hurt. That pain is compounded by each day, month, and year of the affair.

Each segment of time means there was that much more deceit, lying, scheming, and deceiving. With a long-term affair, you feel that the cheater stole your sense of reality, your past, and your identity. You need to find yourself in the rubble of what was once your life. Even if you manage to forgive the affair, there will always be a part of you that remains suspicious and wary of how deep the pain went with your partner.

While you were assuming you were being the good spouse, they were living a double life, and you find yourself the butt of an elaborate and long-standing joke. In some cases, there may be a sense of life becoming very ‘unreal’ or surreal. That is a natural reaction to this kind of hurt. You were living a fantasy that you did not realize was a fantasy.

You were living a life crafted and shaped by the cheater. They created it, you lived it, and they assumed no one was the wiser. The level of betrayal you feel at such a discovery is beyond comprehension until it happens. You feel like chunks have been ripped out of you, and often, when they are returned, you find them damaged or deranged. You now have to deal with the tasks of rebuilding yourself, knowing who you are, and getting back your sense of self.

It was a “Truman Show” kind of experience, where everyone was in on what was really going on… except you. With that kind of wounding, you may find a new dimension of loneliness, feeling that no one else understands how bad you are hurting. They do not understand what you are going through since they did not share how you were hurt.

For those who are emotionally fragile, such an experience can be devastating, not just wounding. As part of the healing, you will need a new central focus in your life. Since your spouse let you down in a major way, they cannot be depended on as the central focus. The central focus is also known as ‘centering’ or ‘grounding.’ You need a central reference point from which to start rebuilding your sense of self and healing from what happened.

This may lead you to question many things about yourself and your value system. This is common with the deep wounding that happens with long-term affairs. You may find it takes longer to forgive a long-term affair. At times, you may wonder which was worse, the lies or the cheating. When you are in pain, it is hard to distinguish levels of pain since you are hurting so much. You can get through the pain, but it is important not to rush the healing. It will happen at its own pace.

Deep wounds often take longer to heal because there is more wounding that needs healing, and more scar tissue develops. Have you been cheated on? “Dealing with Affair Trauma” is a video that guides you through the pain associated with affair trauma. It’s not just about understanding what happened but also about how to move past it. This will help you understand some of the unique challenges posed by long-term affairs. You’ll learn how to deal with betrayal and find closure in your relationship again. You’ll be able to get back on your feet and start living life again without feeling like someone else has taken over your life.

Reflection Questions:

1. What unique challenges come with healing from a long-term affair compared to a short-term one?
2. How can understanding the nature of the affair (emotional vs. sexual) help in the healing process?
3. What steps can you take to re-center or ground yourself after discovering a long-term affair?
4. In what ways can forgiveness play a role in healing from the betrayal of a long-term affair?

Best regards,

Jeff