Esther Perel hasn’t read ‘How Can I Trust You Again?’

Anytime I come across thought-provoking quotes, I make note of them. When they’re good quotes, I put them in my collection. In the case of misleading or negative quotes, I make my personal notes beside them.

If you saw my personal library, you’d see books filled with comments, markings, and diagrams. Instead of coloring in my books, I mark them up.

Last month, I came across a collection of quotes from Esther Perel. Media outlets and TEDx are currently touting her as a leading affair recovery specialist.

Many of her quotes were thought-provoking and challenging. Some were on the money, while others raised my skepticism.

One quote made it clear that Esther Perel hasn’t read “How Can I Trust You Again?” She said, “Trust is the active engagement with the unknown. Trust is risky. It’s vulnerable. It’s a leap of faith.”

Although her statement, ' Trust is a leap of faith,’ has some points to consider, she clearly isn’t familiar with the Trust Formula I present in the book.

Had she been familiar with the Trust Formula, she’d know the ingredients of trust without guesswork or taking a blink leap of faith. If something was missing, she’d know what it was.

She’d know specifically what trust is built on. There are specific and knowable ingredients. Trust has a solid foundation rather than something you take a gamble on.

I wouldn't want her version of trust to jump into the unknown. That kind of trust isn’t the kind you want in your marriage.

I agree that trust requires active engagement and is risky at times. The risk isn’t about taking a leap of faith in the unknown; it’s more about taking a chance to make yourself vulnerable with someone who’s been inconsistent or let you down.

Instead of being blindsided, you can know the areas where trust in your marriage relationship is shaky. In my mind, the leap of faith isn’t a blind leap; it’s one where you know the potential dangers and can see them.

The Trust Formula

In my understanding, trust is not merely a leap into the unknown. It is a structured, measurable process that involves several critical components. These components include transparency, consistency, and communication. When these elements are present, trust can be built and sustained over time. Transparency means being open about your actions and intentions. Consistency involves being reliable and predictable in your behavior. Communication is about keeping an open dialogue and addressing issues as they arise.

Esther Perel’s view that trust is a leap of faith overlooks these essential elements. Trust is not about taking a blind leap; it’s about creating a reliable foundation where both partners can feel secure. When trust is built on these solid components, it becomes resilient and can withstand challenges.

Applying the Trust Formula

In practical terms, applying the Trust Formula means regularly checking in with your partner about their needs and concerns. It involves being honest about your feelings and actions and being dependable in your commitments. For example, if you say you will be home by a certain time, make sure you are. If you make a mistake, own up to it and discuss how to prevent it from happening again.

Using the Trust Formula can transform how you approach trust in your relationship. It shifts the focus from a vague, uncertain concept to a tangible, actionable process. By following this approach, you can build a stronger, more secure relationship.

The Risk of Misunderstanding Trust

Misunderstanding trust as merely a leap of faith can lead to significant issues in relationships. If you believe that trust is just about hoping for the best, you may not take the necessary steps to build a solid foundation. This can result in repeated disappointments and a cycle of broken trust.

On the other hand, understanding trust as a process that involves specific actions and behaviors can help you create a more stable and fulfilling relationship. It allows you to address issues proactively and build a sense of security and reliability.

Moving Forward with Confidence

By understanding and applying the Trust Formula, you can move forward in your relationship with confidence. You will know that trust is not just a gamble but a deliberate, thoughtful process. You can identify areas that need improvement and work together to strengthen your bond.

If you’re ready to deepen your understanding of trust and how to build it in your relationship, click and download “How Can I Trust You Again?” This resource will provide you with the tools and knowledge you need to create a strong foundation of trust.

You no longer have to engage with the unknown. You can know what needs correcting in your marriage relationship.

Reflection Questions

1. How do you define trust in your relationships?
2. What are the specific elements that build trust for you?
3. How do you handle situations when trust is broken?
4. What steps can you take to rebuild trust in your relationship?
5. How do you balance vulnerability and self-protection in your marriage?

Keeping It Real,

Jeff