How to Avoid Toxic Arguments and Heal Your Relationship After an Affair

Social media has a way of pulling you into its vortex. Years ago, I found myself getting dragged into pointless arguments on Facebook. Someone would post something that struck a nerve, and I’d jump in, convinced that I could reason with them. 

It always starts innocently. You see a comment you disagree with, and you think, “I just need to set the record straight.” The discussion begins calmly enough — maybe they even ask you to explain your reasoning. But then comes the zing — the moment when you realize they weren’t really interested in what you had to say. They just wanted to ambush you with their own viewpoint. If you don’t see things their way, you’re automatically wrong.

Eventually, I came to my senses. I realized these online debates weren’t productive. These people weren’t open to other perspectives — they had an agenda. I was just another fly caught in their web of words.

It was tough at first to resist responding to their snarky comments. But over time, I learned to walk away from these toxic arguments. Instead, I started focusing on more positive and productive discussions. Arguing with someone who isn’t really listening is just a waste of energy.

The Trap of Toxic Arguments

Social media has created a new kind of battleground — the comment section. Many people use these platforms as an outlet for their beliefs and opinions, which often leads to heated debates. While healthy debate can be a good thing, it’s important to know when a discussion has turned toxic.

Reflecting on my own experiences with online arguments, I see how similar they are to the big, emotional talks that happen in relationships after an affair. One person tries to force their spouse to listen, pushing their perspective relentlessly.

You may have been there yourself — trying to get your spouse to “listen” to you, even calling them back after they hung up, or sending multiple texts when they didn’t respond to the first one. Sure, they’re listening — but what you’re really seeking is for them to see things your way. When they don’t, the anger kicks in, and you’re left thinking, “How dare they!” You might even raise your voice, hoping that yelling will get your point across.

But the truth is, this approach never works. Forcing someone to listen to you isn’t the same as having a meaningful conversation. If your version of “listening” is really an ambush, trying to punish them for seeing things differently, all you’re going to get in return are angry looks and harsh words.

Breaking the Habit of Toxic Communication

The problem with trying to force your spouse to listen is that it can easily become a habit. And like any habit, it’s something we fall into without even realizing it. You might keep responding to marital problems in the same way — pushing harder, demanding they see things your way — until someone steps up and changes the pattern.

A powerful first step is recognizing when you’re stuck in an Affair Trauma mindset. When you’re dealing with the aftermath of an affair, your emotions are raw, and it’s easy to fall into toxic communication patterns. But that doesn’t mean you have to stay stuck there.

The good news is, you can break free from these bad habits. The video “Overcoming Affair Trauma” can guide you through this process. It shows you how to move past the sticking points that keep you in the same old arguments and helps you rebuild healthier ways of communicating.

Healing your relationship is possible — it starts with recognizing the toxic patterns and taking steps to change them.