How to Cope When Life Spins Out of Control After an Affair

One of the sensations I dislike the most is feeling out of control. Although I’ve met some people who claim to enjoy losing control, it’s a feeling that frightens me to my core.

Being out of control comes with a heavy load of powerlessness, helplessness, and vulnerability. It’s that sinking realization that things are happening around you — things you can’t control, avoid, or even deny. I’ve had to learn some hard lessons during those times, and they’re not the kind of memories I like to revisit.

But sometimes, life has other plans. Recent news about hurricanes and natural disasters has stirred up memories of those out-of-control moments in my life, along with some other unpleasant ones that I’ve endured. Although I’m thankful those moments are in the past, they certainly weren’t fun when they were happening. When those out-of-control situations come around, I can’t help but think, “Here we go again.”

It’s during these times that we really find out what we’re made of — what our true coping skills are. How do we cope? Or do we just dig ourselves deeper, trying to regain control where there is none to be had?

The Illusion of Control in the Aftermath of an Affair

There’s something deeply self-defeating about trying to use control as a way to manage being out of control. Attempting to take charge of situations where you’re powerless is not only ineffective — it’s exhausting. I know some people live by the mantra of “fake it till you make it,” but let’s be honest — when you’re truly out of control, pretending like you have it together doesn’t help anyone.

In the aftermath of an affair, this illusion of control can be especially damaging. You can’t be the puppet master, pulling the strings of all the people, events, and emotions involved. On a good day, the most you can hope to control are your own feelings. And even that is a monumental task when your world has been turned upside down.

When things are spiraling, faking control or trying to dominate those who have even less power than you is pointless. I call this the ‘kicking the dog’ syndrome. When everything is falling apart in your life, taking it out on someone more vulnerable — whether it’s your family pet or your loved ones — doesn’t help. It’s a sadistic and self-serving response that ultimately causes more harm than good.

Coping with the Chaos of Infidelity

Learning effective coping skills during times of feeling out of control is crucial. These skills help you manage your emotions, thoughts, and actions when faced with situations that are beyond your control — like dealing with the aftermath of an affair. You can’t control what’s happened, but you can control how you respond to it.

Some common coping strategies include deep breathing, mindfulness techniques, journaling, talking to a trusted friend or family member, and seeking professional help if needed. These strategies aren’t just for show — they’re tools that can help you navigate the chaos.

It’s also important to recognize that being out of control is a natural part of life. We can’t always have complete control over everything that happens to us, but we do have the power to choose how we respond. This recognition is particularly important when dealing with infidelity. Affairs throw your life into disarray, and trying to regain control through unhealthy means only deepens the wounds.

Breaking Free from Destructive Habits

When out-of-control situations, like dealing with an affair, drag on for long periods, they can bring out our worst habits. These might include shutting down emotionally, raging, taking your anger out on others, or even punishing yourself. You might have discovered that the defensive mask you put on — the one that makes you feel like you can survive — has become impossible to remove.

If the long-term effects of an affair have left you feeling stuck in that out-of-control place, it’s time to seek help. The video “Overcoming Affair Trauma” is designed to guide you through moving past those painful experiences. You don’t have to stay trapped in those self-defeating habits. You don’t have to keep wearing that mask forever. There’s a way forward — a way to reclaim your life, even after the devastation of infidelity.