How to Stop Anger and Bad Habits From Ruining Your Life After an Affair

Some books just stick with you, don’t they? There’s something about them—maybe it’s the illustrations, the insights, or the way the message resonates—that keeps them in your mind for years. For me, one of those books is "Taming Your Gremlin." The author used gremlins as a metaphor for bad habits, and it really struck a chord with me. The idea that these bad habits could be “tamed” made me rethink the way I approached my own struggles with self-control.

My bad habits were like gremlins—they kept me from fully enjoying life, always making me wonder what bad thing would happen next to ruin the good times. And when I think about how some of you might be dealing with anger after an affair, that image of the gremlins returns.

There’s this strange paradox where you want to be free of your anger, but at the same time, you keep up habits that fuel it. The more you replay the details of the affair in your mind, the more the anger builds. It’s like constantly feeding a fire and wondering why it’s not going out.

One of the most common ways people hold onto their anger is by replaying their hurts to get sympathy. When you tell others about the affair, you receive support and attention, and that feels good for a moment. But here’s the catch—to get that sympathy, you have to keep replaying the hurt. And each time you do, you're planting new seeds of anger, which only makes things worse.

There’s a difference between replaying events for sympathy and replaying them for information. It all comes down to your motivation and what you get out of it. When you're replaying for sympathy, it’s often about seeking emotional validation, which in turn keeps the hurt fresh. Replaying for information, on the other hand, is more about understanding and moving forward.

Another habit that feeds anger is assuming the past is still the present. This is especially true if you’ve been through abuse or trauma related to the affair. Your body and mind might automatically react as though the same thing is happening again. And not only do you believe it’s happening again, but you also assume the outcome will be just as painful as before.

Then there’s the biggest anger trap of all: obsessing over memories of being victimized. Playing the victim card works like fuel for your anger—it intensifies your emotions, drags up old wounds, and keeps the pain fresh in your mind. It’s a hard cycle to break, but breaking it is essential if you want to move forward. The first step is to stop the constant replay of the affair in your mind. That will help prevent the anger from getting worse. The next step is to start repairing the damage, both to yourself and to your relationship.

The most effective way to break these destructive habits of anger is through forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you approve of what happened, but it does bring those painful memories to a close. It’s like detoxifying your mind. Instead of letting those memories torment you, forgiveness allows you to finally release them and move on.

If you’re ready to break free from the anger and bad habits that are holding you back, the video "Forgiveness: Stop the Pain, Tear Down the Walls, and Remove the Roadblocks" offers a guide to help you take those first steps toward healing.