The Hidden Dangers of Self-Righteousness in Affair Recovery

Some things create more conflict during affair recovery than they resolve, and one of those is self-righteousness. While righteousness is typically seen as a 'good' thing, there are times when it is used in ways that cause more harm than healing. Please keep in mind that I'm addressing this topic as a counselor, not as a preacher.

When self-righteousness creates an imbalance, it begins to cause problems. There's a reason why the Bible’s passages about being unequally yoked serve as an important instructional warning.

I've witnessed self-righteousness manifesting in both the betrayed and the cheater, and it can take either a positive or negative form.

Righteousness, in the sense of doing the right thing, is a good thing. The word in Greek carries connotations of righteousness and justice. Righteousness means you've been made clean, not flawless. Since an affair involves a significant wrong against your spouse, condemning them rather than their actions is a slippery slope.

What they did was an act contrary to righteousness. When actions are so diametrically opposed, reactions are inevitable. This can lead to an emotional explosion of opposites.

In psychological terms, when one spouse views themselves as 'better' than the other, it creates an imbalance that can lead to arguments, resentment, and ultimately, hinder the healing process.

Instead of focusing on who is 'right' or 'wrong,' it's essential for both parties to take responsibility for their actions and work towards reconciliation. This involves acknowledging mistakes, showing empathy and forgiveness, and actively working to rebuild trust in the relationship.

It's also crucial to recognize that self-righteousness can stem from a place of insecurity or fear. Insecurities about oneself or the relationship can manifest as a need to be 'right' in order to feel validated.

I've also seen cheaters act self-righteously when they believe their perspective on the marriage is the only legitimate one. They're elevating their emotions and judgments above yours.

No one is obligated to forgive or forget an affair; however, if both parties are willing to understand the situation from each other’s perspectives, healing becomes possible. Self-righteousness in either partner can be a roadblock to healing and a true understanding of the situation.

In the case of the cheater, it's often not about doing the right thing, but rather about believing that 'their way is better.'

Indeed, one spouse broke their vows while the other remained loyal. The cheater stepped outside the marriage, and now they need your help to find a way back into the relationship.

Your spouse needs clarity from you in understanding what they must do to regain their position. The cheater needs to know what is required of them to make things right.

You're not being self-righteous by specifying what you expect in terms of behaviors and attitudes. Self-righteousness comes into play when you condemn them without offering a path to restoration.

When both partners can be open and honest with each other, the healing process can begin. However, if one partner is too self-righteous to allow for this openness and honesty, they may need to seek help in addressing their feelings.

Self-righteousness can be a damaging force if it takes over the healing process.

Some spouses reject any changes related to resuming their positions. Outright rejection of what needs to be changed creates problems as well.

When the two of you can work as a team in restoring your marriage and each of you back to the roles of husband and wife, it creates new opportunities for intimacy.

If your marriage needs more intensive help, consider my intensive consultation package. I have a couple of time slots available for this service, which includes four one-hour consultations and ongoing email support each month.

If you're interested in this service, contact me via email at [email protected].