The Unnatural Tensions and Loyalties After an Affair

Growing up, my grandmother used to say, “It ain’t natural,” when describing situations she believed went against the natural order of things. At the time, this advice seemed too simple, too vague. As a kid in the sixties and seventies, I dismissed it, thinking it wasn’t relevant to the changing times. Back then, people would say things like, “It’s 1973” and go ahead and do whatever they wanted, natural or not. Progress, right?

But as time passed, I realized there was wisdom behind those words: “It ain’t natural.” If I had listened to that advice, I could have avoided a lot of the stress and complications that come with unnatural situations.

The Unnatural Tensions in Blended Families After an Affair

One area where that advice would’ve saved me a lot of heartache is in blended families affected by affairs. When an affair breaks up a blended family, it creates a tangled web of tensions and loyalty issues that are far from natural. It’s a messy situation that puts pressure on already fragile relationships.

Who should you be loyal to? Who do you prioritize?

Affairs are bad enough on their own, but in blended families, the impact is even more pronounced. Weak loyalties and existing wounds in these families intensify the fallout. It’s unnatural for a step-parent to suddenly deal with the aftermath of an affair they had nothing to do with. It’s unnatural for kids to feel torn between their biological parent and step-parent. Grandparents watching their child’s family fall apart? That’s unnatural too.

And when another affair enters the picture, it adds fuel to the fire, making it even harder to navigate the hurt and tension. You’re now dealing with people who were already wounded — people grappling with new feelings of rejection and abandonment.

Navigating the No-Win Situations

Then there’s the problem of how to disclose the affair to the children. This is another unnatural situation, one that puts you at odds with your parental instincts. You and the person who cheated might disagree on whether to tell the kids. Do you tell the truth and risk hurting them? Or do you lie and destroy any trust they had in you? There’s no winning in this situation.

The affair has put your marriage in a complicated position. Now, you’re in an unnatural bind, dealing with stress and tension no parent should ever have to experience. You love your children, but now there are limits to what you can do and say. It’s a no-win nightmare, and it leaves you feeling powerless.

No Good Choices

In situations like this, there are no good options. The choices you once had are gone. Like my dad used to say, “I’ve looked at the options, and they all suck.” Even simple decisions turn into impossible challenges.

• Do you do what’s morally right?
• Do you try to save your marriage?
• Do you keep the peace in the family?
• Do you speak the truth and deal with the fallout?

Some problems just don’t have solutions. Unsolvable problems are more stressful than solvable ones. Sometimes, the best you can do is find a situation you can live with. The hard truth is that some situations won’t have happy endings. And when you’re caught in that kind of unnatural bind, you need a place to vent and work through it.

You Don’t Have to Navigate This Alone

If you’re facing the fallout of an affair and the unnatural tensions and loyalties it creates, you don’t have to navigate this alone. I now have some availability in my schedule for consultations. Email me at [email protected] for times and rates. When you’re trapped in a situation that feels unnatural and overwhelming, getting support can make all the difference.