What to Do When Your Spouse Stops Saying ‘I Love You’

As a counselor, I’ve come across many stories that stick with you — ones that hit you right in the gut. Recently, a client shared something that left me unsettled: their spouse told them they would never say “I love you” again. It’s the kind of thing that makes you stop and think. The weight of those words — they’re heavy, really heavy. This isn’t just a phrase being withheld; it’s love, affection, and validation being yanked away all at once. It’s the kind of thing that can shake someone to their core, leaving them to deal with rejection, fear, and a deep sense of loss.

The power of words: when “I love you” disappears

Hearing those words from a spouse… well, it’s like the floor drops out from under you. My client described it with a mix of shock and disbelief. It’s not just the words themselves — it’s what they represent. In counseling, I’ve seen how such a statement can trigger feelings of worthlessness and despair, hitting at the very core of who someone is.

Whenever I receive messages about affairs or relationship issues, I make it a point to talk with my wife. Her insight always helps me process what I’ve heard. The message I received today was no different — it conveyed deep hurt. How do you even handle a situation where your husband or wife proclaims they’ll never tell you they love you again? I shared this with my wife, and we both agreed — saying such a thing is hard to fathom. Just hearing about it made my stomach churn. I couldn’t help but think of the old expression about revenge being a dish best served cold. This situation seemed to fall right into that category.

Understanding the emotional fallout

When a spouse withholds love, confusion and hurt aren’t far behind. My client felt as though something fundamental had changed about them, as if they were suddenly unworthy of love. It’s a common reaction, and I’ve seen it before. When love is withdrawn, it’s easy to start doubting your own value.

But here’s the thing: this reaction, while natural, isn’t necessarily the truth. The decision to withhold love often says more about the person doing it than it does about you. In therapy, we work hard to separate these actions from your sense of self-worth. It’s crucial to remember that your value isn’t tied to someone else’s decision to hold back their affection.

Navigating the pain: what to do next

So, if you ever find yourself in this kind of situation, what do you do? First off, acknowledge the pain. Don’t try to shove it down or pretend it doesn’t hurt — that just makes it harder to deal with later. In my practice, I always encourage clients to fully feel their emotions, no matter how tough it is, because that’s the first step toward healing.

Next, we try to understand the ‘why’ behind the spouse’s actions. This doesn’t mean excusing their behavior, but getting some clarity can help you figure out how to respond. Sometimes, the withdrawal of love is connected to deeper issues within the relationship or within the person pulling away. Pinpointing these issues can be key to figuring out your next steps — whether that means working on the relationship or making the tough call to walk away.

Self-worth and empowerment: rebuilding after rejection

One of the most important parts of recovery is rebuilding your sense of self-worth. It’s easy to let someone else’s actions shape how you see yourself, but that’s where the real work begins. I often tell my clients that they are more than what others think or say about them. Your value is something that belongs to you, and it’s important to reclaim it.

In counseling, we look at ways to reinforce self-worth — whether it’s engaging in activities that bring joy, reconnecting with supportive friends and family, or just being kind to yourself during this time. Surrounding yourself with positive influences can help fill the void left by a withholding spouse.

Looking ahead: hope and healing

Finally, it’s crucial to look forward with hope. The pain you’re feeling right now doesn’t have to define your future. With time, support, and self-care, it’s possible to heal and even come out stronger on the other side. In therapy, we focus on finding meaning in tough times and using that as a stepping stone to something better.

Whether you choose to rebuild the relationship with your spouse or move on alone, remember that you have the strength to get through this. As a counselor, I’ve seen incredible resilience in my clients, and I truly believe in your ability to find peace and happiness again.

If you’ve ever been in a situation where love was taken away, know that you’re not alone. Many people have gone through similar pain and found a way through it. It’s okay to seek help, talk about your feelings, and take the time you need to heal. Your worth isn’t determined by someone else’s actions. You deserve love, respect, and happiness, and it’s never too late to reclaim those things for yourself.

There are steps you can take to reduce the emotional damage from these kinds of painful incidents. In my video on “Overcoming Affair Trauma,” I walk you through strategies to put these episodes behind you. Even if your spouse hasn’t had an affair, the dynamics of loving other things or people more than you can feel just as damaging. This video will help you understand those dynamics and start the healing process.

If this story hits close to home, or if you’re going through something similar, consider watching the “Overcoming Affair Trauma” video. It’s designed to give you the tools you need to navigate this emotional storm and come out stronger on the other side. Healing is within reach, and you deserve to find peace and happiness again. Share your experiences in the comments below or reach out directly if you need support. Together, we can work toward reclaiming the love and respect you deserve.