Why Is the Cheater So Angry? Understanding and Addressing Anger in Relationships

There are times when you may wonder why your spouse is so angry or reacts so intensely towards you. Since anger is often a secondary emotion, there is usually something deeper going on. The underlying issue behind the anger varies, but I've learned to pay close attention to this. When someone has an intense anger reaction, it's often about more than just the immediate incident.

The Role of Anger in Coping

Cheaters often use anger as a coping mechanism. Facing their true feelings would be too overwhelming, so they find it easier to react with anger. They avoid dealing with their own issues by directing their anger at you. Anger is a powerful emotion that pushes them to act on their plans. The stronger their anger and the louder you protest, the more they feel a false sense of control. They can blame you for their cheating because they are angry at your reaction.

The Dynamics of Anger

Some people need to feel negative emotions, like anger, due to past experiences. They constantly seek situations where they can use that anger. Being around someone who overuses anger is draining and uncomfortable for anyone except the person wielding those feelings. The bad feelings make them take action on their plans, fueling their willingness to take risks. They hold grudges to access extra emotional energy when needed, like a spare tank of gasoline. Anger also helps them avoid vulnerability, shutting down discussions and deflecting issues they don’t want to address.

The Impact on You

Focusing on their anger doesn't help you; it only reinforces a behavior that serves no positive purpose. You become what they want—someone who justifies their actions while blaming everyone else for their cheating. They know that a disapproving look or sharp tone often stops communication and shuts you down. Anger is an effective way to cover up certain parts of one’s emotional makeup. It can be used as a temporary fix for many issues, often hiding shame, guilt, or embarrassment. The more guilt they feel, the greater the amount of anger.

Manipulation and Emotional Abuse

People who cheat are often manipulative and emotionally abusive. They might say things they know will trigger you or act hurtful to keep the anger going. The more anger you feel, the longer they enjoy an easy life with somebody else unless you take charge of the situation now. Many cheaters purposely do things to provoke a reaction from you. This sounds sick, but I’ve seen many cases where this happens. They thrive on the emotional chaos they create. By keeping you off balance and emotionally upset, they maintain control over the situation. This manipulation extends to making you question your sanity, your worth, and your reality. It’s a form of emotional abuse that leaves deep scars.

Navigating the Uncertainty

When they don’t tell you what is going on, you feel crazy. You are left to make sense of their emotions and reactions on your own, turning it into a wild guessing game. I often liken this experience to bowling with a sheet covering the pins. You are never quite sure whether you are getting through to them or not. No matter how much you improve your efforts and skills, you are still not sure how you’re doing. Likewise, you don’t know what’s going on when you don't see reactions. The anger lets you know that you likely scored a direct hit, if not a near miss. When they react with anger, it’s a sign that you’re getting close to the issues bothering them.

The Cycle of Anger and Cheating

Anger and cheating often feed off each other in a destructive cycle. The cheater uses anger to justify their actions and to push away guilt and remorse. Each time they get angry, it gives them a renewed sense of purpose and justification for their cheating. This cycle continues, with anger fueling the cheating and the cheating fueling more anger. Breaking this cycle requires a deep understanding of the underlying issues and a commitment to addressing them honestly.

Taking Steps to Protect Yourself

It's essential to protect yourself from the emotional and psychological damage caused by a partner's misuse of anger. Establish clear boundaries about what is acceptable behavior and what is not. Communicate these boundaries calmly but firmly. Seek support from trusted friends, family, or a counselor who can provide perspective and guidance. Remember, you are not responsible for your partner's anger or their cheating. Taking care of your emotional well-being is crucial.

Seeking Professional Help

Dealing with a partner who uses anger manipulatively can be incredibly challenging. Professional counseling can provide you with strategies to cope and address the underlying issues. It can also help you rebuild your self-esteem and regain control over your life. If your partner is willing, couples therapy can be a valuable tool in addressing the dynamics of your relationship and finding healthier ways to communicate and resolve conflicts.

Reflection Questions

1. What underlying emotions might your spouse's anger be masking?
2. How can understanding the role of anger in coping help you address conflicts more effectively?
3. In what ways might focusing on your spouse's anger hinder your progress in resolving issues?
4. How can you maintain your emotional boundaries when dealing with a spouse who frequently uses anger as a tool?
5. What steps can you take to ensure that your reactions do not inadvertently reinforce your spouse's negative behavior?

For more specialized help, contact me at [email protected] about a consultation package or online counseling. Your situation may call for more in-depth help.

Best Regards,
Jeff