Have you ever wondered what you could do that would cut the emotional tension? As you go through the affair mess, there will be times when you will encounter tension. At times, it may be inner tension, while at others it will be external tension between you and other people. When you are surrounded by tension, what are your options?
Actually, there are many ways to reduce tension. One of the fastest is with drugs, alcohol and sex. Although these are ways to reduce tension quickly, they seldom if ever do anything to fix your problems. If anything, they typically create other problems, or make the problems you have even worse.
I recall hearing an old mentor of mine, Robert Magee, say, “Any substance or behavior that reduces the tension quickly has an addiction potential.” Over the years, I have found his statement to be very true. I suspect that you have found his statement true as well.
Those drugs, alcohol, sex and entertainment distractions may cut the tension, but they are not resolving issues. Telling jokes or making remarks that cut tension often only delay the inevitable. They work in the short run, yet only delay action being taken.
Sometimes, you may only need a little time. In those cases, these kinds of interventions may be of use on a short-term basis. Humor can be powerful when it comes to cutting emotional tension, yet when it comes to affairs, that humor is often at the expense of someone else. You may be laughing, yet that still does not solve anything.
So, like the proverbial chicken or the egg, you still face the dilemma: Do you solve the problem or reduce the emotional tension? If you solve the dilemma, you are still in the middle of tension. If you reduce the tension, it will only be a matter of time before the problem comes back again, since it has never been resolved.
Have you considered telling the truth? Telling the truth is often a good option, yet when your attitude is less than loving, it will come across as cruelty. Telling the truth is always preferred, yet how and when you do it often makes a huge difference.
Rushing in and telling the cheater, the lover and other interested parties what you think of them is telling the truth, but doing it under the wrong circumstances can make things much worse. You may feel better at having vented your feelings, yet it has done little to resolve any issues.
Yes, you can congratulate yourself for telling the truth, yet your audience was probably not ready to hear it. Truth is good, yet often has to be handled carefully, especially with affairs and relationships. Although you can justify many things by saying, “I was just being honest,” it does not mean that you made things better or resolved anything.
You may want to consider setting up boundaries before doing any kind of intervention. When you have boundaries in place, interventions work more effectively. If you ever wondered why you were doing what you thought was the right thing, yet your marriage situation did not improve, you may want to consider whether you had boundaries in place.
I also think that it is important for you to consider when you cut the emotional tension. If you cut it too soon, you may be short-circuiting some important changes. Some cheaters and betrayed spouses only make changes when there is tension. Emotional tension is often a powerful motivator of change.
Reducing the emotional tension takes away their motivation for change. Pain is often a necessary ingredient for change to occur. It is not that you are punishing them, but you are allowing the natural consequences and tension to finish their work. The pain of emotional tension is one way of getting our attention.
That emotional tension may be telling us about some part of our lives or attitudes that need attention. If you reduce the emotional tension too soon, you may be numbing yourself to important items.
So, the next time you want to rush out and cut that emotional tension, consider not only “how” you are going to do it, but also “when is the right time” to reduce that tension.
Best Regards,
Jeff
