On discovering an affair, the quick conclusion is ‘blaming the lover’. The lover is often blamed for what happens.
During the early 70’s, one of the popular comedians was Flip Wilson. Flip Wilson had you laughing without resorting to cuss words or potty references.
He is best known for his routine where “The devil made me do it!” In the skit, Geraldine Jones buys a dress and blames the devil for what she did. The routine worked for Flip Wilson.
Even though that was 45 years ago, many cheaters and their spouses are still following Flip Wilson’s routine. They are blaming the lover for something they had a part in.
Blaming someone gives you a tangible evil. It gives you a plausible cause for what happened.
The shameless hussy or horny bastard makes for a convenient target. In blaming the lover, you take all responsibility away from the cheater. You also take all responsibility for relationship problems away from the resolute spouse.
Blaming the lover is convenient. It provides quick and easy answers to a painful problem. In some cases, the lover really is a homewrecker. The lover may even have an agenda to steal your spouse and replace you.
The problem with putting all the blame on the lover is that you never deal with the underlying issues.Blaming the lover is a quick fix. It gives you a bad guy or girl, but no solutions.
Consider who led the homewrecker on. Consider who encouraged them in believing their agenda is possible. Do you think they came up with their plan by themselves?
When needs are being met there are no reasons to stray. Meeting each others needs is the best protection against affairs. Blaming the lover keeps you blind to any unmet needs.
Blaming the lover also blinds you to any moral compromises. Having a bad person keeps you from seeing bad choices or bad values. When you have a bad person, it leaves everyone else being either good or the victim.
Anyone playing victim needs a ‘bad guy’. In order for a cheater to play victim, they have to say it wasn’t their fault. The fault lies with the lover or some other outside force. (This is so prevalent, I spend one whole section of the “Affair Recovery Workshop” on Blaming and Shaming).
When you quit blaming the lover, you start seeing and dealing with the real root of the problems. Facing the roots of relationship problems is painful.
Those root problems reveal true needs, unlovable qualities and bad habits. Resolving these brings real healing. Rather than face the harsh ugly truths, it remains easier to blame the lover.
Best Regards,
Jeff
5 Responses
Gen 3:12 And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.
Sinful flesh ….some things never change
Adam was “with” Eve…did not interrupt her beginning to think about disobedience …he did not obey Gods command to lead and protect his wife…he did not obey God to “keep” the garden…Hebrew word “keep” has a meaning “guard”
So it is that Adam disobeyed what he was told face to face by God…and he was supposed to inform Eve who was not even made at that point when God instructed Adam
A man was given the jurisdiction to keep the garden and subdue the earth and did not do so which made him responsible for the Fall ….so it was a MAN ..God incarnate who was the required one.gender to give his life to satisfy the holy and just God’s requirement for those in His presence…which HE so desires to be….to not perish I. His holy presence
It has been said in scripture that without being “clothed” in the righteousness of God which will be imputed to all who believe in Jesus Christ and that His death and resurrection has provided for whomsoever who will believe to do that…Adams sinful consequences not only result in physical death but eternal death…separation from the God who is love for eternity
God did not curse man and woman..the curse was upon the EARTH as a consequence …man’s body ..his flesh was formed of the dust of the ground..therefore it is the flesh that dies..a consequence of the curse pronounced upon the ground….and there is a curse upon the serpent who has sought to destroy the woman ( aka also Israel as the nation from which the Savior was prophesied to come)
Casting blame is part of the sinful consequence of flesh I submitted to the Lord who has provided power to deny the flesh and its urges
Submit to God..resist the devil and he will flee from you
Mortifying the flesh..with the sword of the spirit which is the word of God actively known and then walked in and the law of sin will not RULE in your mind…in your decisions
But denying the truth rather than facing it and then turning from the sin the Word exposes is not just possible but important to protect our own lives and others…if we really do want love to be how we live and relate with others
Gods love supplies truth and corrects even as a parent who loves his child does not allow damaging habits to go in corrected and dealt with
One good and wise word “flee youthful lusts”…and “ungodly companions..and venues corrupt good morals”
Zaza,
Thank you for sharing that. Mankind has a long history of blaming others for out actions and choices.
I am also glad that you mentioned Adam’s responsibility of guarding Eve. I have an upcoming blog post addressing that issue. Some spouses don’t guard their marriage from threats. An unguarded marriage, where threats are not dealt with is an accident waiting to happen.
It is easier for them to blame the lover/seductress/seducer/cheater than to see any dereliction of guarding their marriage on their part. They did not cause the affair, yet in not guarding it, gave it greater exposure to dangers.
In my mind, part of guarding includes knowing the history and vulnerabilities of your wife/spouse. Knowing them and protecting them is a key part of guarding. If you do not know the weak points, you will not know how to guard effectively.
Fleeing youthful lusts is definitely a wise word. If people did flee those lusts then affairs would be a rare occurrence. The longer they stay caught up in those lusts, the harder it becomes to say no and extricate yourself from sticky situations with painful consequences.
Jeff
Thank you Jeff for your reply….these days we often think of protection as from without …..but the Word does end up letting us know we need to protect from our own sinful flesh
The husband would do well to accept that the MAN has been given warnings from God in how to protect his love for his love for his wife from his own fleshly lust
The wisdom of Jesus spoke of the man to start by protecting his mind by not setting his EYES on the many offerings or perceived “options” to his wife’s attributes…..
Now we know there is a biological reason a man must divert his eyes and not indulge in viewing what is provocative and encourages thoughts which may likely end up with comparing his wife …not just in appearance but to have to compete with his daydreams !
He does well to avoid any kind of mental stimulating of hormones which are activated by sight ….oxytocin which God knows because He designed man with this hormone to draw him to his own wife
Satan knows this ..one reason why he has flooded the media machine which is unavoidable today…a man must be devoted to the understanding God knows best about how to protect and grow the affection a man has for the woman he once decided he could not live without.
The man who loves God for real will want to please Him and respect that God knows how to help him love his wife and stay true…to protect his own love for His wife
If my husband would have been willing to do what God would teach him he would have had no problem with “access” to me..but his disregard for God…for me..was humiliating as I had to endure his “need” for friends which put me way down on his radar
Being dismissed by my husband may have been the worst experience from the beginning as he refused to have to “lose” having multiple choices for his friends for fun
I was only one woman among his many ..many who he seemed to hold in higher esteem than his own wife
On corporate trips to romantic places which were prizes at that time …his plans were with others for golf ..and none of our time was just for us…..I spent time with other couples like a third wheel …..every one of our trips he “filled his dance card ” with activities with others
He never once in our marriage did he plan a trip for us…I was only included because they required him to show up with his wife….if he had not been given a trip I would not have gone anywhere …thankfully I got to go to many really beautiful places…I did not complain…I was gracious in that I wanted him to enjoy his time…but it hurt deeply to always be seen alone on these trips….the couples who offered to spend time with me were quite generous but one wonders how they perceived my husbands choices
I hope it’s understood I tried to consider that I should not be jealous but to be last constantly every time we went anywhere …even at parties he would leave me and I tried to see this as an indication of how strong and confident I should feel I not needing to be by his side all the time …I am a good mingler but my husband did not care if I was present ..did not make a point of making sure I was acknowledged as his wife
One event for one of his employees at a past office where he was loved by his employees …we moved but returned to take part in this woman’s transfer
When we arrived the party was already going on….taking the whole patio for the group from the corporation
We walked in and the woman in whose honor the party was..saw us arrive and RAN to my husband and wrapped her arms AND LEGS around my husband ! In front of me and her husband and the rest if the office!
This event happened after D day and I was aching inside but we were “trying” to heal
This little expression speaks volumes of my husband not wanting his employees to see him as unapproachable …but even back when he began being promoted to manager..he did not want to put boundaries between himself and anyone lest they think he was being “high and mighty”..he wanted to encourage “team ” culture ….but boundaries only left me fending for our marriage alone while he sprinted up the corporate ladder
Even my “understanding” and support was not acknowledged …I always ached to witness people who did hold positions of responsibility nearer the top as they made a point when addressing a large group gathered for an evening event ..as they first gave some appreciation and credit to their wife
I believe my husband was so concerned to be perceived as everyone’s buddy that he could not allow anyone to see him as a husband…it just was not glamorous enough
His heroes were people who had a lot of women and lived recklessly….I remember
One song he seemed to like ..it got my attention since it had some bold boasting “I have friends I low places….”
The music he liked was often filled with defiling fantasy and he aspired to live by those suggestions
He proceeded to live out the ways of these men of low character but of the slick corporate world
He turned his back on the Lord and refused to read the Word and exchanged all of what God blessed him with that many had told him how blessed he was…he shut me out and went on the hunt to keep up with some of the most extreme flashy idols of “manhood” our generations had to offer
From Sinatra..to rock stars…and sports idols….
I think when a person has an insecure identity there is this “trying on” of various fantasy images
Having a large income makes these fantasies seem doable….but all they have that does not fit that new fantasy is left to dry up…and some discard the old mate….but my husband seemed to believe he could have it “all” without concern for people being. REAL..some how we became just props in the facade he felt was fitting for one “compartment” of his grand successful life
I hated the term I think another reprobate…mr Clinton brought to our vocabulary..”compartmentalizing”
My husband felt this was the best way to explain what he did with no problem….Gods word tells us a “double minded man is unstable in all his ways”
Today many people have lost the importance of CHARACTER and how public offices ought to demand a high moral character!
The Bible also speaks of a time when there was no king and everyone did what was right I his own eyes”….-famine and destruction resulted ….consequences for people consuming others lives whenever the opportunity presents itself no matter the cost to anyone who suffers the splash of consequences
We continue to deal with this for divorce is not on the table for me …judicial courts are not likely to really do much better in defense or condemnation is adulterers .
It takes money to get any kind of legal help to get any real support and then..even then there is no guarantee it will be forth coming
I trust my Lord and He will deal with the state of what we are dealing with..those who thumb their nose in Gods face and disregard vows they took before HIM….SHOULD TREMBLE….time is short
It’s coming ….sooner or later
Mercy yes but people need to seek and receive Gods provision and enter into it..to confess and turn from their sinful activity….new life in Christ calls for mortifying the old man of fleshly lust..greed and self interest before all of the priorities of a married man…..or he will suffer more loss than just what he has in THIS WORLD
Zaza,
Wow! When that woman wrapped her arms and legs around your husband was shocking. The image has a stunning effect. Your description of how your spouse fell contains many tells indicative of his heart not being with you or seeking after righteousness. It is as if you had a perfect illustration of carnality on steroids.
Doouble-Mindedness is definitely a problem. Dressing it up as ‘compartmentalizing’ only white washes this practice. Old terms like incontinent and reprobate convey the truth of the situation better than compartmentalizing. That modern non-descrip term waters down what is actually going on. At least the older terms revealed the truth and gave some measure of how deep into depravity a person had descended.
I hate that the legal problems are continuing for you. I loose more faith in the legal system each day. The rule of law is quickly being replaced with the rule of gold, good intentions, and victimization. Justice is hard to find, much less doing the right thing.
The Bible indeed speaks of times when men do what is right in their own eyes. It also addresses the times when judges are bought off, immorality excused and lusts run unrestrained. I am presently going through Jeremiah and am astounded and grieved at how the descriptions fit today’s society as well.
The Lord is coming. There are many times when that promise holds more comfort for me than the US government can ever provide.
Thank you for being a part of this community. I continue praying for you and your family.
Jeff