When the communication is so bad in your relationship, that you consider it a “dysfunctional marriage”, it makes affair recovery a daunting challenge. The task of affair recovery is tough enough without the added dimension of dysfunction added to the situation.
Consider what it would be like climbing up a mountain when someone on top of it is throwing large boulders down at the same time. In a dysfunctional marriage, you have the added challenge of game playing, hidden meanings and threats added to your recovery journey
Dysfunctional marriage relationship make the “intimacy dance” harder than it should be. As the both of you make efforts of rekindling intimacy, the dysfunction adds a new barrier to overcome.
If your marriage is a dysfunctional one, recovery will be harder and longer. Your message about intimacy will need greater clarity. At the same time, the dysfunction will often distract you from what you’re attempting.
The best starting point for such an undertaking recovery despite dysfunction, is being aware of the dysfunctional communication games.
These include:
- Using double bind communication. These are the the messages and situations that are ‘no-win scenarios’ or ‘damned if you do, damned if you don’t’ type of situations.
- The use of code words that hide what is really being talked about.
- The use of threats as a way of controlling or shutting down communication
- Using violence and threats in solving family communication problems
- Using name calling, cursing or put-downs on a regular basis. These behaviors may have been dismissed in the past with phrases like “She didn’t mean that”. If they said it, they thought it and it was in their heart.
- Running off or starting fights in order to avoid discussions.
- Breaking or damaging personal items for punishment.
This is a partial list of dysfunctional behaviors. Any one of these immediately makes recovery harder. Once you recognize a pattern, identify it as a ”dysfunction behavior”. When you begin identifying them as you see them, it’ll begin transforming your communication patterns.
Best Regards,
Jeff
