In dealing with affairs, besides the emotional damage that each spouse and the children experience, there is also significant damage done to truth. Truth is often one of the early casualties in dealing with affairs.
I see problems with truthfulness occurring on several levels. On the first level, there is the whole denial of the affair. Many spouses deny that they were involved in an affair. Even when confronted, they persist in denying it, until hard evidence arises, at which time some still deny it. Even after admitting to the affair, then the extent of the involvement is often an issue about which many fictions arise. In such situations, the two spouses become engaged in a prolonged struggle over the adultery with one spouse always asking questions and the other always finding ways to diminish or deny what occurred.
Another area where fact and fiction are blurred concerns the effects of the affair. I have seen spouses either deny that it bothers them, or claim that their whole world is collapsing, or that “God will understand” what I did approaches to their infidelity. The ones that really irk me are when the adulterer plays “poor me” and attempts playing on the other peoples emotions in describing the affair. “My wife is taking the kids, and leaving me (sniff). She is not letting see my own kids (sniff). She says I am unfit…I never would hurt them. I never meant to hurt her…I love my wife (tears start forming)…this isn’t fair…
Such dramatic episodes are common. The adulterer rarely lays it on the line and says. “I was disloyal to my wife. My actions hurt her and the kids. What I did was embarrassing, sinful and shameful. I should never have done it. My actions were selfish. I regret having cheated on her. I was wrong.”
In overcoming affairs, it is imperative you be truthful. Deceptions, no matter how small have a way of distorting matters. You need honesty rather than lies. You have already had a relationship based on lies, now you need one based on honesty.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
