If you’ve been following me for a while, you’d know that I am one of the few therapists dealing with affairs that addresses the role of fantasy. I view fantasy as a major driver of affairs.
Even when it’s not the cause, it gives impetus and umpf to the decision of the cheater to have their affair. I was reminded of the power of fantasy while recently reading.
The author pointed out that the term ‘pornographia’ originally referred to the fantasy associated with prostitution and the acts of prostitution. Pornographia markets the fantasy surrounding the prostitute.
I thought “Wow!” the what Rudyard Kipling claimed was the world’s oldest profession used fantasies from its early start.
They make their ‘client’ believe they can provide them with a fantasy of enjoyment or connection. I view the affair in the cheater’s head as one of these ‘fantasies’.
Even today, pornographia plants fantasies of what the cheater thinks will happen in an affair.
The cheater thinks the affair will give them a connection or experience that makes it worth what they give up for it. In their mind, they believe it will happen.
This means in reality the sex is not any better with the lover. If anything is better in the cheater’s mind, it’s their fantasies about the relationship.
Some cheaters want to believe the fantasy so much that they deny any enjoyment in their relationship with you. This means that your ‘real’ enemy is not the lover, it’s the fantasy in the cheater’s mind.
This is one of the reasons that confronting the lover isn’t going to give you the changes you want. You are intervening, but not where the root problem is.
If your efforts at intervention and making change in your marriage are fruitless, it may be time for a new approach. Consider joining the membership site Restored Lifestyle where you can share your struggles with others like yourself.
Besides the forums, you have access to many programs and features as part of membership.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
