Although cheaters like to use the term ‘love nest’ for the special place they have to meet their lovers, the reality is far from what they imagine. Lovers often take time in decorating their nest, making it attractive and sensual. It is often necessary to make them a sensual escape, since if they were honest with themselves and their feelings, it would be more appropriate to refer to the location as the ‘gates of hell’ rather than a love nest, since many conflicts are conceived there along with your family being destroyed by what happens there. Although “Gates of Hell” would be more honest, it is not one of those titles that the cheater nor their lover would find appealing. Rather than pictures of people in torment and suffering, which the affair brings with it, they surround themselves with flowers, smells and colors that take their attentions away from the consequences of their actions. They may call it a ‘love’ nest, although what nests there is not love, but rather lies and deceits. The main thing conceived their is often more lies and more emotional entanglements that hurt others, all in the name of their selfish satisfaction of passion. No matter how many flowers are put out, no matter how many candles or lit, no matter how many decorative pictures adorn the walls, it does not cover the stain that the affair leaves on the hearts and lives of those involved.
In some ways, the ‘love nest’ gives the lover or cheater an excuse to decorate and redirect the desire for a home and family into other areas. There is nothing wrong with the desire to decorate, it is only a matter that with the love nest, those natural desires are corrupted and used in a destructive manner. What should have been used in the home is now being used to replace or destroy the home.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
6 Responses
Oh how painful reading this post was . I appreciate that you wrote it however. It gives me a chance to think about back in the days when my husband’s adultery began and I remember beginning to realize that the ‘reason’ he did not take an interest in maintaining our home was that he did not ‘live ‘ there …he would leave so early for work …and come home so late …and on weekends he would even disappear to go to ‘the office’ …I believed him because he had a HUGE responsibility or so he let me believe ….to me it appeared like he could never get it all done without doing all of what he did …drinks after work with co workers to ‘keep moral up’ …dinners with clients…and you know who he eventually hired to be his ‘business partner ‘ after a while …
The OW began to tell him she did not like her boss who she was working for when she first approached my husband …..after they began their ‘arrangement ‘ she began to tell him she was ‘afraid’ of the boss …and that he ‘creeped her out’ ….She began to tell him she was going to look for work ..and he being the boss of his offices ,….offered her the ‘perfect solution’ they could work together …he could give her monies he earned but with a cap on his being able to take all of it for himself he could offer her a big ‘bonus’ on top of her own earnings….What’s not to like! Of course they loved that deal…she could be with him in all kinds of situations I could not ,…they bonded through working together …which came AFTER they met and began a sexual arrangement !
How foolish my husband was …he risked all hiring this woman …she knew up front that they were only getting together for sex….and their ability to do things outside of her apartment was limited …with her being his business partner they could be ‘excused’ for being together so much!
Her apartment became a house he bought her after she got him to agree to give her children and she quit work….OUR finances footed the bill for her salon trips …over 350.00 a pop and that was back in the 90’s! I did not even go to have my hair cut let alone have anything else done ..I thought I was saving my husband and our family money!
It’s OK ..though I am nearly 17 years older than she I STILL look younger! Fancy that ! She was getting botox shots are our expense too I find out .
I had thought my husband’s true ‘home ‘ was his office…now I realize he was making himself at home with her….but he NEVER spent the night …except one or two business trips when she got pregnant…so he says .
I think it was one of his carefully planned ways to not be caught by any kind of common law effort….without spending nights you cannot justify living together..
Sad…..it breaks my heart.
Zaza,
Thank you for sharing your experience. Where a person’s heart is often determines where the rest of them will be as well. When their heart is not in the home, it is likely in somebody else’s pants or the job.
I realize now that over the years I was so concerned with practicing the things I had learned a godly wife should strive to be and do that I ignored my good common sense! Many of the things told women as wives we are to be ‘cheerleaders’ of our husband , to support him …to trust him ….to not think ‘evil’ of him …to not nag…etc all led to my working hard to suppress what I thought of as ‘selfishness’ and ‘jealousy’ which were actually protective in the context of marriage and relationship with a husband.
I have learned since D DAY that a lot of what I was feeling and experiencing was worthy of note and confrontation and really doing something more than offering my point of view and what scripture said …my husband NEEDED someone to speak to him straight forwardly about his ways …I did what I could but I also gave him too much credit for being the person he pretended to be….in all things ‘fair’ and ‘just!”
That seemed to be only when useful …..sadly
I bought his ‘front’ hook line and sinker since I believed it was wrong to think anything but the best of him …and he was very convincing as well.
Guess we live and learn if we are willing . I am sad for us all since he is still just a ghost of the man he was before D DAY …to everyone ..it really has changed him …I pray that the Lord will bring a godly man who my husband will respect into his life.Actually there IS one ..but that guy does not know the real man my husband is ..and only sees him once a month ..if that ..
My husband does not go with me to church , he says he does not believe he can be saved…
I know he once believed and walked in the Word with me ….but the OW turned his heart away from the Lord even more than the people he worked with …>Sexual sin is so deeply damaging to the mind , body and soul…God is able ….but even so I find it a real challenge . Increase my faith Lord….amen
Zaza,
It is common for cheaters to assume the position that ‘they cannot be saved’. This is common with sexual sins. They leave you with a ‘dirty’ feeling where you believe that you are beyond help or hope. That is another one of the reasons that sexual-sins are so devastating. The damage they do to the heart and mind by leaving the person feeling and believing that they are permanently dirty and defiled beyond hope is often the most destructive part of such sins.
I also think it is ANOTHER shield for him to use to keep from having to DO anything different.
A stubborn man
His father kept a grudge …not speaking to his own brother for 10 years …I never knew what the issue was but when we learned of it …and moved closer to the family we actually facilitated their reunion and healing …funny ….having seen the great healing that brought about but now my husband refuses anything conciliatory or forgiving from me or God …doing this seems to justify his not doing anything more toward enjoying the rest of our lives together ….it is hard to live this way but I have my faith and am getting some comfort connecting and reaching out to others to offer comfort and healing and info that may help.
Still that does not warm my bed at night.
Zaza,
I am glad that you brought that up. One of the paradoxes of cheaters is that although they say they are “looking for love”, when it comes down to brass tacks, they run away from love. In your case, the love associated with forgiveness, acceptance and healing is rejected and spurned in favor of a cheap facsimile with their lover in the form of illicit sex. That illicit sex is not true love. Cheaters often do not understand “true” love. I have seen some grown men reject true love, thinking that they are ‘not worthy’ of it. They do not understand that love is something given, NOT earned. Many times, most of us are not worthy of love. Whether or not we are worthy of it, we can choose to either accept it or reject it. I would rather accept than reject true love.