Affairs are one of those topics that either the cheater or yourself will change during the course of discussing it. When those topic changes occur, it goes back to fears and insecurities. Rather than face those fears, its’ easier changing the topic.
There are many ways of changing the topic. Either one of you may make threats, bring up something with more immediate emotional charge, make accusations, develop sudden physical symptoms, get sleepy or allow a distraction to give you and them an easy way out.
Rather than dismissing those occurrences, you may be better off making note of them and what was being talked about. The issue being talked about represents a ‘hot issue’ either directly or indirectly. It may even be an issue that both of you mutually choose avoiding.
When you know what the ‘hot issue’ is, you are taking a step toward greater understanding. Consider what it is about that issue or topic that makes it so frightening or uncomfortable. Does it make them or you feel awkward? Does it bring to light some area that you or them are ashamed of? Does it leave you or them feeling vulnerable? Does it expose something that is even scarier than the affair itself?
Once you find the hot button, you are left with a difficult choice. Digging any deeper will bring reactions. Will your marriage benefit from pushing or is it an issue that you need to back off of at this time? It is not always in your best interest to push on the hot buttons.
Rather than ignore the topics being discussed that were changed, you need to note them. They are like flashing yellow lights in your marriage. They may be warning you of danger ahead, or that the topic has a lot of hurt or shame surrounding it.
When you’re ready to take your marriage communication to the next level, rather than just switching topics, the video, “Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions” shows you EXACTLY what you need to do in order to address those issues and open up communication.
Best Regards,
Jeff
