One of the downsides of bonding is that it holds you in a relationship even when that relationship isn’t healthy for you. This natural process is designed for keeping you and your spouse together when you go through tough times.
Although bonding wasn’t designed for keeping you in emotional connection with someone who betrays and hurts you, it’s at this point, it works against you. The normal, healthy bonding becomes the glue keeping you hooked into sick, pathological relationships with unhealthy people.
Outsiders, including your friends may say that you are ‘crazy’ or sick for staying in such an unhealthy relationship. Their observations are often correct.
What they are missing or not understanding is the intensity of the bond that you have with the cheater. They may mentally understand the dynamic of bonding, but they do not know the full depth of your experience in terms of the connection between you and the cheater.
You yourself may know that some of what you are feeling does not make sense, but you feel that you have to stay in relationship with them. There is the “Pull” that comes with the bonding and the “push” of repulsion at what the cheater did to you.
The push and pull often work against each other in your heart and mind.
That pushing and pulling inside is what keeps you feeling stuck. It keeps you ‘neutralized’.
Some cheaters do things with the intention of keeping you stuck. They know that when you are stuck you are not going to leave them.
Instead you’ll tolerate whatever the cheater does and outwardly look like you believe whatever they tell you. If you stray too far, they instinctively know that they need to bring you closer, UNLESS you get too close, then they push you away.
The strength of the bonding is not ‘all in your head’. The bonding is at a molecular level, a relationship level, in your head and in your heart.
It is on multiple levels. Each level will need to be dealt with in terms of closure. Failing to obtain closure on any one level often means that the crazy-making “push-pull” dynamic will continue.
If you find yourself stuck in the “Push-pull” dynamic that comes with the bonding, the video, “Overcoming Affair Trauma” provides you with hope and help. Instead of struggling with the bonds, you can move past them. You can finally get some healing rather than reliving the hurts all over again.
Best Regards,
Jeff
