One of the problems with ‘gaslighting’ is that the effects last much longer than the original event. In my own experiences with the gaslight phenomena, the effects lasted years after the triggering event.
In my case, my mother-in-law planted worked feverishly inciting fear in my wife. Anytime I was running late coming home from my counseling, my mother-in-law continued her mantra “he’s seeing someone.”
She never allowed any of my late arrivals happen without planting some seeds of doubt. She worked hard in getting my wife to believe something that wasn’t so.
When that message is repeated again and again, it starts making an impact. Like a propaganda expert, my gaslightin’ mother-in-law continued pumping out her seeds of fear.
She was experienced in what she was doing. She not only did it to us, the honed her skill on her son and his wife. She even bragged about other couples she broke up in her earlier years.
Her gaslighting almost led to her son divorcing his wife. She knew how to gaslight and was good at it. She also had the confidence of previous successes in sowing discord.
Although the term gaslighting is relatively new, the practice of it isn’t so new. The gaslighter says and does things that leave the victim doubting their own reality and perceptions.
They say “you’re imagining things” so convincingly that you start thinking they may be right. Some cheaters practice gaslighting smoothly and easily. Whether intentional or unintentional, the effects remain the same. You start doubting what you saw or encountered.
This is one reason why it’s so important that you tell yourself the truth in recovering from an affair. falling for the gaslighting may help you avoid fights, but it leaves the scar of self-doubt for years to come.
The seeds of doubt planted by the gaslighter continue doing their damage, even years later.
In my program of The Affair Recovery Workshop, I address the importance of telling yourself the truth. You may even have to tell yourself some important truths 20 or more times a day.
Undoing the damage of gaslighting requires developing habits of not only telling yourself the truth, but also walking in those truths, even when others try forcing you back into your fearful state of being gaslighted.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
