One of the policies I strive in maintaining is providing honest answers to honest questions. Although some the answers to some questions seem obvious on the surface, the circumstances they are in changes the obvious into the not so obvious.
I’ve also seen situations where spouses have hidden agendas behind what seems an innocent or innocuous question. When the agenda is suspect, it taints the questions they ask.
A recent question sent to me was “Is it abuse to falsely accuse your spouse of an affair?” The simple answer is “no“.
When you accuse your spouse of an affair based on the limited information you have, your intentions may be innocent and your accusation a mistake.
That simple answer about whether false accusations are abuse changes depending on the motivation and circumstances surrounding the false accusations. Although I don’t consider false accusations as a form of abuse, when your motivation for making false accusations is control or paybacks, you accusation borders on abuse.
When you make a false accusation intentionally in order to attack your spouse’s character in a court room setting the behavior crosses the line into abuse. If such a false statement is made to manipulate a custody or alimony situation, the accusation is being used in a manipulative manner.
When you make false accusations, knowing they are false in order to make them look bad in front of others, it’s abusive. In such cases, your motivation isn’t one of love and concern.
When you know your false accusation is a lie from the start, there are serious issues going on. Those serious issues need attention.
Anytime there are accusations of an affair, whether false or not, it tells me that the relationship is dysfunctional both in terms of intimacy and trust. At that point, something isn’t working correctly.
The more important question in my mind is “What are you doing about the false accusations of an affair after you discover they’re false?” How you answer that one makes a huge difference in the health of your marriage.
Are you taking steps in remedying your situation by making it worse or letting things fester? If you’re doing anything less than taking steps at healing the situation, you’re opening yourself up for even more hurt.
Instead of letting those accusations push the two of you further apart, consider taking action that pulls the two of you closer to each other. One thing you can do is apply the material contained in the video, “How Can I Trust You Again?”
Whatever trust has been damaged, you can take steps toward making the situation better.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
