Beyond "Side Effects" and Gaslighting of Affairs

At a conference I attended a couple of years ago, the speaker said something that got me thinking. His comment has so much truth in it that something inside gave it an “Amen!” and “He’s right, you know!”

What he said that triggered that reaction was “There are no side effects to medications. There are only effects.” He elaborated on what is commonly referred to as side effects are some of the effects of the medications.

We just call them ‘side’ effects, so that their impact is downplayed. Even in the television drug commercials, the side effects are mentioned either very quickly or at a low volume to distract you from them.

Somehow when you call them ‘side effects’, you consider them as less likely or less serious. It’s playing head games with yourself.

The speaker’s comment started my mind replaying all the pharmaceutical commercials in my head. They loudly proclaim the desired effect, yet the side effects, like death or heart attacks are downplayed rather than treating all the effects equally.

Since I focus on affairs, my mind jumped to that topic in terms of the effects of affairs on you and your family. The actions of the cheater start a chain reaction of effects.

Just like the drug companies downplay their side effects, the cheater downplays the effects of their choices on you and on other family members. They may try to justify their actions or make excuses, but the effects are still there — broken trust, shattered hearts, and damaged relationships.

This behavior is often referred to as gaslighting — manipulating someone into questioning their own feelings and perception of reality. This can have a devastating effect on the victim’s self-esteem and psychological well-being.

Furthermore, the effects of an affair can also extend beyond the immediate family. Children of cheaters may experience emotional turmoil and struggle with trust issues in future relationships. Friends and extended family members may also be impacted by the fallout of infidelity.

They may even claim that some of the effects are actually “your problem” or your child’s problem. When your child acts up at school, they’ll be quick to blame the child for chemical imbalances rather than seeing its connection with the affair.

The imbalances may have been there, yet the tensions that came with the affair pulled the trigger. The affair does impact your moods, the behavior of your children and your health.

The cheater wants you to put on blinders that keep you from seeing the whole picture. They don’t want to see or you to see all the effects of their choices. Like the drug companies, they’re downplaying the side effects of their side chick.

When you and your spouse start viewing the big picture of the full range of the effects, it changes you. It changes how you look at relationships. You realize that affairs are not ‘recreational sex.’ There’s much more to them than someone finding themselves or having fun.

When you see the full picture you also see the need for taking action. Ignoring all the effects of the affair keeps you from making good choices.

If the cheater’s been keeping the full picture from you, now is the time for action. I now have some time slots open for consultations and telephone counseling. If you are interested, contact me via email [email protected] for times and availability.

The time for taking action is now.