Boundaries vs. Ultimatums in Affair Recovery

Among the many challenges that come during affair recovery is distinguishing between setting boundaries and giving ultimatums. In both situations, you’re making a stand, yet with different attitudes.

When taking a stand, your attitude in doing it makes a huge difference. Your attitude is so powerful that it overpowers doing the right thing or the words you use. It includes the idea that all you have to do is take a stand once and it’s done. That one-and-done mentality is problematic.

You can be following directions precisely, yet your attitude sabotages what you’re doing. When setting boundaries, your attitude should be respectful yet firm; when giving ultimatums, it could come off as angry or aggressive. Setting boundaries means that you’re still open to communication and negotiation while ultimatums mean that there is no room for compromise and discussion.

When you set boundaries, you need to accept that they’ll be tested.

Testing boundaries isn’t a bad thing. It helps rekindle trust, although, at the time, it doesn’t feel like it. Boundaries are often tested several times before both parties realize they are for real and the relationship remains intact. 

With boundaries, you remain firm despite the testing. They need the reassurance that it is a boundary. When boundaries don’t exist in relationships, it leads to insecurities. With clear, consistent boundaries, you can know where things stand and that your relationship is secure. You also know what you will and will not accept.

Besides helping in the area of trust, setting boundaries also forces you and your spouse to be more honest with each other. The two of you start having to be ‘real’ with each other (I prefer using the term ‘real’ instead of authentic since being authentic has so much associated baggage).

Ultimatums have a finality to them. They don’t allow for testing or for people to make mistakes. Ultimatums have the attitude that “This is the way it’s going to be PERIOD.”

Ultimatums don’t give you much room for negotiating or being human. There is a time and place for them, yet in my mind, they’re a last resort tool. When you give an ultimatum, you’re essentially giving an ‘all or nothing’ choice, which can be damaging to a relationship.

Instead of using ultimatums, try setting boundaries first. This allows for communication and compromise while still making your needs and expectations clear. Boundaries can also help prevent conflicts and misunderstandings by establishing guidelines for behavior.

Moreover, when setting boundaries in a relationship, it’s important to remember that they are not about controlling the other person. Boundaries are about taking care of yourself and healthily expressing your needs.

Although I talk about boundaries in many of my products, the one that helps most people is the book ‘Let’s Talk About the Affair: Courageous Conversations for Life After Infidelity.’ In the book, you’ll learn about boundaries along with ways of enhancing and repairing the trust in your marriage.