From Swinging to Only Fans

In some of my earlier posts, I mentioned the connection between swinging and merchandising of one’s spouse. Although I mentioned the connection in passing at the time, a request came in for more information on this connection.

Let me start by pointing out that I view sexual behaviors on a continuum rather than discontinuous. I know that many readers insist that their sexual proclivity toward swinging is ‘normal’ and won’t lead to other darker acts. As a clinician, my experience has been that that sexual behaviors like affairs and swinging lead you into darker and darker acts along with increasing the risk of sexual addictions of one sort or another.

A few years ago, just the mention of merchandising of one’s spouse sounded extreme in many social circles. Although many people found it distasteful then, there were always some spouses that didn’t hesitate to make a few bucks off their spouse. Those spouses often present the merchandising as a way of making some ‘easy money’. The idea of merchandising your spouse for money was something that was only found in pulp novels and third-world countries.

Some of the channels that this merchandising occurs along are through personal sex ads. In bygone days, those ads were limited to the backs of adult magazines. At a softer level, the exploiters offered photos or videos of their spouses. When things became more serious, the exploiter used their spouse as a way of paying off debts. At that point, the exploiter then takes on the role of pimp. The exploited spouse is left feeling like cattle on a rancher’s inventory that is considered ‘for hire.’

In some cases, spouses have been known to put their counterparts into the porn business itself. It’s not all glamour. One woman, Karen L., later took her own life due to the pain of being in the porn world after being brought into it by her husband.

In the case of swingers, your spouse is offered up without money changing hands. Instead of monetary exchanges, it becomes a swap meet for spouses where you trade yours for someone else’s. Although it is only for a night, the exchange is still a transaction filled with exploitation. Paying off your spouse’s debt by sleeping with other men is not something you bargained for when you married your spouse.

Last year, in 2023, the issue of merchandising your spouse was taken to a new level with the explosion in popularity of “Only Fans.” The site became a way of making money for yourself or your causes. Those participating in the online forum earn tokens, which can be converted to cash. Whether tokens or cash, in my mind, private sexual acts are being merchandised and sold.

Unlike innovative ideas like Uber and food delivery services, and encourage entrepreneurship, Only Fans opens a door to darker areas. Are couples engaging in Only Fans creative entrepreneurs or are they modern-day pimps selling themselves and their spouses’ reputation and images for a few minutes of fame? When couples who engage in consensual activities in the privacy of their own home have public offerings where those acts are products, it raises some serious questions. At that point, you have to consider whether the ‘privacy of their own home’ argument has transformed suburban homes into a neighborhood porn studio.

Those participating may view it as a way to make money doing what they enjoy and turn a blind eye to the merchandising of their spouse. They forget that what gets live-streamed or broadcast on the internet has a way of staying around for a long time. They want the money, but not the publicity that comes with it like the woman who ran for office in Virginia where her previous ‘Only Fans’ activities were uncovered.

Although there is little I can do to repair the reputations of those caught up in this exploitation, my video on Overcome Relationship Trauma for Swingers will help return some healing to some extreme situations. You don’t have to continue being exploited. You can take steps to keep from being merchandised like a piece of meat.