How Affair Blindness Keeps You from Seeing the Signs Until It's Too Late

One aspect of affairs that I’ve rarely seen researched is the concept of ‘affair awareness.’ When you hear the term, the first thing that might come to mind is the familiar checklists of affair signs. By now, you’ve likely come across these lists and are familiar with the warning signals they highlight. While these lists are undoubtedly a part of affair awareness, there’s another dimension that concerns me.

Specifically, how many times do you need to see evidence of an affair before realizing one is actually happening? In marketing, there’s a rule that people often need to see something 7–10 times before it truly registers. I wonder if the same principle applies to cheating. Do you need to see signs of infidelity 7–10 times before it finally clicks in your mind? Even then, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll take action. It might take another series of signs before you admit to yourself that something isn’t right.

One reason for this hesitation lies in how the brain works. Our brains don’t always catch what they should. You might notice something odd out of the corner of your eye, but when you try to focus on it, it seems to vanish. This happens because our brains are wired to filter out what we consider unnecessary information, focusing instead on what’s important for survival.

In the context of affairs, this could mean that our brains subconsciously ignore signs of infidelity to protect us from emotional pain. We might also be in denial about the possibility of our partner cheating, driven by fear or a desire to maintain the relationship.

Another factor that plays a significant role in affair awareness is a lack of engagement with your spouse. When you and your partner aren’t fully engaged with each other, you lose that sense of connection that keeps you attuned to one another. When you are truly engaged, you’re more in sync with where each other’s heart is, allowing you to pick up on things much sooner.

However, modern life is full of engagement killers — tasks and distractions that pull your attention away from your partner. These engagement killers contribute to the growing distance between you and your spouse. Over time, this distance creates a space where affairs can happen without you noticing, at least not right away. But when you’re genuinely engaged with your partner, you’re more likely to detect any changes in behavior that might signal an affair.

So, how do you combat these engagement killers? One effective approach is setting aside dedicated time for quality interactions with your partner. This could mean scheduling a regular date night or simply ensuring you spend some uninterrupted time talking and connecting each day. It’s crucial to focus on each other during these moments and actively listen to strengthen your bond and maintain awareness of your relationship.

Another strategy is to identify and be mindful of the tasks that are pulling you away from your spouse. Smartphones, for example, often occupy time and attention that should be devoted to your partner.

In the video “Rekindle Closeness and Bring Back Intimacy to Your Marriage,” I explore the concept of engagement killers. These distractions have a way of sneaking into your marriage and draining its vitality.

By recognizing these threats, you can take proactive steps to stop them before they cause serious damage to your relationship. Ignoring them only allows them to do their harm unchecked.