How Failing Can Save Your Marriage

Failing at something can be a real wake-up call. I vividly recall a time in graduate school when I received a failing mark in a testing course — I’m talking about scoring well below 50 points.

At that moment, I panicked. In graduate school, failing a class means you’re at risk of being booted from the program. That failing grade shook me to my core and motivated me to work harder. I retook the test, passed, and eventually returned to ace similar tests with scores above 90%.

I share this story not because it’s unique to me, but because I’ve witnessed time and again how failure can push people to do better. Failure often sparks the drive to improve.

By the end of that semester, my grade was exemplary, and the initial fear of failing was behind me. Yet, that sensation of panic and the scramble to improve was one of many wake-up calls in my life.

This experience reminds me of the panic some couples feel when they think they’re ‘failing’ at marriage therapy. It made me wonder: Can you really fail at marriage therapy? Therapists often say, “There’s no such thing as failing at marriage therapy.”

While that may be true in theory, in practice, I’ve seen some spouses intentionally sabotage their marriage therapy. They might lie, withhold information, refuse to complete assignments, or disrupt the process in other ways.

It’s hard to fail at something you never truly invested in. These spouses found creative ways to resist making changes.

People often say things like, “Marriage therapy didn’t work,” or “It didn’t do much for us.” Blaming the therapy is easier than admitting that you got bored, skipped the homework, disliked serious conversations with your spouse, or resisted setting goals for your marriage.

Perhaps you’ve even sabotaged your own therapy sessions. Maybe you ‘blew things up’ just when the conversation was about to get uncomfortable.

Creating a crisis diverts attention from the real issues in your marriage. I’ve worked with couples who, before their sessions, would agree on what to talk about and what topics were off-limits. For them, a successful session was about sticking to the script they’d agreed on, not about honestly facing their relationship issues.

By the way, those couples later broke up and left therapy on bad terms. They achieved what they wanted — avoidance. Marriage therapists encourage clients to stop sabotaging their own progress to facilitate positive change.

When it’s time for you and your spouse to get serious about repairing your marriage, what will you do? Sabotaging therapy and then saying it ‘failed’ might ease your conscience, but it won’t improve your marriage or help you ‘get real’ with your spouse.

When there’s an affair involved, the two of you need to confront what’s really going on and make some changes. In all honesty, how has doing it your way worked out?

Are you and your spouse truly connecting?

Are you able to solve problems together?

If you’re ready to take things to the next level and give it another try, I currently have some openings for telephone counseling. You may only need a few sessions to get over the hump.

Instead of deciding ‘it won’t work,’ try entering the counseling with an open mind and a willingness to make changes this time.

If you’re interested, contact me via email at [email protected] for available times and rates.

This could be the opportunity you need to improve your marriage, all without having to step into a therapist’s office.