Is It an Affair if You Have Permission?

I was struck by the question, “Is it an affair if you have permission?” This intriguing question delves into the complexities of relationships and the boundaries of marital fidelity.

A surprising number of spouses may encourage you to sleep with another man or woman. These spouses may be into “cuckolding,” they want to watch two people together, or they are just curious. There are many motivations behind such requests. A close cousin to those requests is when your spouse gives you permission to have an affair.

The popular term for this is “giving a hall pass.” On the surface, such an act may seem magnanimous, although the motive is far from being gracious. The one giving permission often has other agendas in mind, like having an affair or participating in the affair through your report.

You are only given a hall pass if your marriage is in trouble or the spouse giving it is looking to get something out of the deal.

The Real Motivations Behind Permission

Before you dismiss the idea, many couples have great sex after talking about their sexual issues and problems with their therapist. It’s not that their problems were solved. Bringing in a third party to your special relationship becomes a turn-on for some spouses. It amounts to having an emotional threesome with the therapist. In some ways, it's another version of cuckolding.

There are cases where one spouse is handicapped or, due to an accident or illness, is unable to fulfill their marital rights. They may give permission to you to have an affair due to their condition. These situations often pose challenging dilemmas to consider. They are hurting and desperate for answers on how to satisfy each other’s desires. They want to make you happy. These are not easy situations to deal with or find solutions for.

Couples may decide they have to be apart due to circumstantial problems. This is the case if you are deployed for a long time or if your husband or wife has to work in another city on an extended assignment. Your spouse may tell you to find someone else since you can’t be with each other. They make this request look reasonable, even though it’s still cheating. It’s also about them having permission to do what they want.

The Ramifications of Giving Permission

Knowing the motivation for the permission often gives you insight into what’s really going on. The motivation gives you a clue as to the ‘real’ purpose.

When you consider the idea of giving permission to violate marital vows, there are many ramifications.

One, giving permission to violate boundaries often shows a lack of respect for them. With permission, it acknowledges the boundary exists yet treats it like an automatic garage door opener. The “garage door” can be opened and closed with the press of a button, key fob, or remote control.

It creates a feeling of entitlement. There’s a sense that if you have permission to go outside the marriage for sex or romance, that means something is missing in your marriage. This idea poisons the emotional exclusivity of your marriage.

If you made your marriage vows to God, there is also the question of “if God brought us together, how can we give each other permission to violate such a commitment and bonding?” Giving permission to violate such vows assumes that you and your spouse have the power to do so.

There are some cheaters who abuse their marital status and give permission for their spouse to cheat as a command or directive. By ordering them to cheat, the one making so claims they were told to ‘do it.’

At the other end of the spectrum, within the swingers' community, having or not having permission is often the deciding line as to what constitutes adultery. If you have an affair without permission, it’s considered adultery. If you have permission, then it is not adultery.

Such ploys amount to mind tricks that appease the conscience based on ‘having permission,’ although the guilt and shame remain issues to be dealt with.

The Consequences of Violating Marital Vows

Any violation of the marital vows has consequences. They may be relational, spiritual, emotional, or mental. The consequences cannot be avoided, no matter who gave them permission to have an affair.

In my mind, extra-marital relations, even with ‘permission,’ constitute an affair. I subscribe to the idea that if it walks like a duck, squawks like a duck, and swims like a duck, it is a duck approach.

When spouses show all the emotional tension of an affair, the relationship has the tension and estrangement associated with affairs, and there is the guilt of an affair. I consider it ‘an affair,’ even if they had permission or were even ordered by their spouse to do what they did.

With or without permission, it remains a violation of the boundaries of the marriage. Even if you psych yourself out and tell yourself that you are doing nothing wrong, your body remembers. Your heart knows.

The people who give ‘permission’ to their spouses to cheat are often the people who have cheated in the past and want to avoid having guilt imposed on them for it. They want their spouse to do what they did without experiencing the consequences of doing so or being accused of being unfaithful.

Your special relationship of marriage is no longer special. At that point, the only special thing about it is that you and your spouse have rings and a legal commitment to each other, which a slick lawyer can undo.

The special one-man-one-woman bond that once existed is gone and can never be recaptured. The special relationship is no longer ‘special.’

Finding Help and Healing

If you’re struggling with the effects of swinging, you may be experiencing relationship trauma. You don’t have to get drunk or take pills or medications to numb yourself out and keep symptoms under control.

When you have been traumatized, there are reasons for you not being able to get over it and bounce back. Discover the tools, exercises, and techniques you need to understand and move past what has happened to you. If that’s your situation, get your copy of the webinar on “Overcoming Relationship Trauma for Swingers.”

Having permission doesn’t make it right. You may be telling your conscience that you had permission, but your heart and your body know better.

Reflection Questions

1. How has giving or receiving permission for an affair impacted your relationship?
2. What underlying motivations might be driving the permission given in your relationship?
3. How can you address the emotional and relational consequences of violating marital vows?
4. What steps can you take to rebuild the emotional exclusivity and trust in your marriage?
5. How can seeking professional help and resources like the "Overcoming Relationship Trauma for Swingers" webinar assist in your healing journey?