How Punishment Sabotages Marriages

While my wife and I took a break on the back porch from the Texas heat, the topic of punishment and marriage came up. She relayed a story of how a family member once put his wife over his knee and spanked her after one of her notorious outbursts. The wife was known for making inflammatory comments and pitching child-like fits when she didn’t get her way. This wasn't the first time this had happened, and it got me wondering: what role does punishment play in a marriage?

Although I had images of John Wayne putting Maureen O’Hara across his knee and spanking her from the movie McLintock!, I knew that things don’t go like that in real life and that the situation was a game-changer.

Having known the husband and the wife involved, I understood his frustration with her outbursts and provocations. My encounters with her often left me feeling exasperated as well. However, exasperation at the outburst is no excuse for corporal punishment.

I found myself recalling a member of my own family who often used choking to “keep his wife in line.” I hated it then and found some of the same feelings of disgust with punishment welling up again on hearing my wife talk about punishment and marriage.

Although I understand the logic of "if you're going to act like a ‘spoiled brat,’ you’re going to be treated like one," such actions raise serious complications for your marriage.

Punishment Can Backfire

The first and most serious problem with corporal punishment is that it is a quick fix. When you don’t or cannot solve the underlying problem, punishment may end up being a band-aid for a larger issue that needs to be dealt with in another way. It provides a quick, temporary emotional release for a much larger problem. In other words, it’s not a good solution.

For the purpose of discussion, I’ll limit the scope of my comments about punishment to non-BDSM couples.

The topic of punishment is pertinent for many couples whether or not there has been an affair, although affairs often trigger a strong desire to punish the cheating spouse. Punishment often occurs when desires are blocked or when one spouse does something that is viewed as wrong by the other.

There is also self-punishment and the punishment of one’s spouse. Self-punishment can show up as cutting, exhibiting self-defeating behaviors, or even getting tattoos. Some cheaters go so far as to punish their spouse for their cheating.

Punishment is a Touchy Subject

Although most couples disapprove of corporal punishment, saying that it “has no place in a marriage,” they often resort to other forms of punishment. For example, the cheating spouse might be deprived of sex or affection, or the punishment could take place outside of the home, such as moving in with parents or losing friends.

Any kind of punishment used to keep your spouse from doing something wrong is just a band-aid for bigger underlying issues.

Some couples may pride themselves on not believing in corporal punishment, yet they resort to a wide assortment of punishments in their relationships. These may include withholding, passive-aggressive behavior, name-calling, choking, cursing each other out, talking down to each other, or intentionally sabotaging things.

The use of non-corporal punishments gives the appearance of not punishing each other, while in reality, they do. There is often a desire to inflict real pain.

The Dynamics of Punishment

In the case of affairs, you may find yourself wanting to punish the cheater or their lover. One of the oddities about punishment is that when you cannot punish the person you directly want to punish, those strong feelings are often redirected to the person or thing that is blamed for the affair.

Although you may feel the power of the urge to punish, if you give into it, especially in terms of resorting to corporal punishment, the dynamics of your marriage change. You may think that cheating changed your marriage, which it did, yet once one of you resorts to corporal punishment, the dynamics change as well.

 It opened the door to more extreme behavior and responses and only changed their marriage's ground rules.

When you resort to corporal punishment, the power relationship changes. The power shifts to you, and your spouse is now under your control. No longer is your relationship between two equals. There is the person with the power and the person who is subservient. The person giving the pain is often viewed as the one ‘in control.’

Another consequence is that love is no longer used as a restraining force; instead, control is. I often tell couples, “The opposite of love is NOT hate, but control.” Instead of deciding on whether or not to engage in some behavior based on love, you find yourself making choices based on whether or not you will be punished.

When, as a couple, the two of you resort to control games as ways of dealing with each other, the dynamic of your marriage has changed, and not in a good way. (If you want more on relationship dynamics, I deal with this topic in more depth in the Affair Recovery Workshop.)

The Biggest Reason Not to Punish

The biggest reason not to punish, whether corporeally or not, is that when you start inflicting pain, it short-circuits guilt and conscience. Once the offending party is punished, they consider the subject closed. They did wrong, they were punished, …it is over and done.

If the pain spills over into BDSM tendencies, you may have an even bigger problem. A recent survey found that 63% of respondents into BDSM also cheated on their spouse.

The infliction of pain can relieve the offending spouse. It artificially evens out the guilt-blame balance. Whatever wrong they did, the use of pain gives them a release on many levels. You may feel relieved in punishing them by taking out your frustrations on them, yet the pain also takes away the guilt of any wrong they may have done.

Reflection Questions

1. How does the use of punishment, in any form, affect the dynamics of your marriage?
2. What are some alternative ways to address conflicts in your marriage without resorting to punishment?
3. How can you ensure that love, rather than control, is the guiding force in your relationship?
4. What steps can you take to rebuild trust and intimacy if punishment has been used in your marriage?
5. How can you communicate your feelings and frustrations to your spouse in a healthy and constructive manner?

Are You Struggling with Infidelity in Your Marriage?

The Affair Recovery Workshop is a step-by-step guide for recovering from an affair. It covers communication issues, taking care of yourself, how to bypass your spouse’s defense mechanisms, improving intimacy, and breaking patterns of affair behavior in your background. The steps are sequential and designed to improve your marriage relationship as you work through them.

Best Regards,

Jeff