Infidelity: "I Didn’t Tell You Because I Didn’t Want to Hurt You"

One of the more infuriating statements a cheater makes is that they did not tell you about their actions because "I didn’t want to hurt you." This excuse for not telling, along with many others like it, only makes the situation worse.

The Paradox of Mixed Messages

The statement is a paradox. It’s a mixed communication, containing two messages that contradict each other. On one level, it conveys that the cheater cares about you; on another level, it conveys that the cheater does not care about you or your feelings. Such double messages cancel each other out, leaving you feeling confused and bewildered.

Mixed messages can make you feel like you are the one losing your mind. This type of communication is often referred to as “crazy-making” because of its confusing impact. It's like a multiple-choice response where you choose which one you think is best, but the cheater zings you either way.

The Double-Bind Dilemma

In the field of counseling, these are often referred to as "double-bind" statements. A double-bind is a statement made on a false assumption. In this case, the assumption is that the cheater's actions were more important than your feelings. They follow up that assumption by keeping their cheating secret, thinking that telling the truth would bring you more pain. They position themselves in a 'protection' role, feeling less guilty about the cheating by believing they are shielding you from hurt.

These crazy-making double-bind statements sound reasonable on one level, which is their intent. While the reasonable message is presented, the bottom is pulled out from under you. You are left wondering whether the cheater actually cares about your pain and what the truth really is.

The Reality Behind the Lie

If they cared about your pain, they would not have cheated in the first place. Instead of saying no to cheating, they chose to clean up after the fact. They may claim not to want to hurt you, yet their desire for self-indulgence was stronger than their avoidance of causing you pain.

You are not going crazy. The statement "I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to hurt you" is itself a crazy, illogical statement. It is driven by emotion and conflicted emotions, not logic.

What Does This Lie Reveal?

Lies like this one indicate that the cheater knew what they were doing. They knew it was wrong and that their cheating would hurt you. Even though they knew it would hurt you, they did it anyway. One writer observed that liars are "hostis humani generis" (Latin for the enemy of mankind) and claimed that lying leads to savagery.

The concerning truth is that about 10% of all marital communication involves distortions and lies. When a cheater lies with a blatant excuse such as "I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to hurt you," they are covering their cheating with a false sense of protection.

How to Deal with Double-Bind Lies

When faced with crazy-making excuses, it's important to expose them. Rather than allowing such lies to create turmoil, expose the illogical aspects. Consider this approach:

1. Tell them you are confused. Then lay the problem out:
   • "I am confused. You told me that you did not want to hurt me, but you did something to hurt me. You kept a secret from me, which hurt me, yet claim that you did not want to tell me because it would hurt me. That is only a different kind of hurt."
2. Ask them to help you make sense of the contradictory messages:
   • "Help me make sense of these two contradictory messages. I am torn by the mixed messages. I am hurt. Trading one type of hurt for another is not a solution."

Exposing the mixed messages can lead to various reactions, including anger or embarrassment from the cheater. They may have hoped you would accept their lie and let them off the hook, and they might be stunned when you don't. However, it's a better option than accepting their lie or avoiding the issue.

You can also use statements that express your feelings directly, such as:

• "I am hurt that you..."
• "I would prefer that you..."
• "It really hurt when you..."

These statements sidestep the false assumption and expose the irrationality of the cheater’s excuses. Your goal is to reveal the crazy-making double-bind and refuse to play that game.

Additional Communication Tips

If you want more on communication and ways of dealing with crappy messaging from your spouse, my video, "Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions" will guide you through those communication hurdles.

Best Regards,

Jeff