Healing After a Bad Swinging Experience

A reader recently asked, “How do I heal after a negative swinging experience?” This question made me pause and reflect. When my focus is on helping couples recover from affairs, my initial reaction was, “Aren’t all swinging experiences negative?” But then I realized they might be referring to the difference between encounters that are enjoyable and those that are distressing.

Swinging can often resemble a form of sexualized Russian Roulette. While you might try to carefully select those you engage with, once the encounter begins, unexpected surprises are almost inevitable.

New partners may not maintain the same hygiene standards as you, they might push boundaries further than you’re comfortable with, they could have different interpretations of the rules, or your spouse might form a deeper attachment to them than you anticipated. Alternatively, the experience might simply fall flat, leaving you feeling unfulfilled. They might touch you in ways that make you uncomfortable or even leave emotional scars.

Perhaps your spouse became lax in screening potential partners, or maybe your swinging encounters devolved into something akin to a Craigslist gamble, where you never know who might respond to an ad. When this happens, it’s a sign that swinging has taken a bad turn.

Telling yourself that it was just one bad experience or reassuring yourself that it won’t happen again only delays the need for action. The truth is, too many factors are beyond your control to assume that a negative experience won’t be repeated.

Bad swinging episodes can be deeply traumatizing. Over time, even minor negative experiences can accumulate, creating a significant emotional burden. Each person you engage with leaves a mark on you.

These impacts are not only emotional but can also be physical or relational. Those physical issues you’re dealing with might be more connected to your swinging lifestyle than you’d like to admit.

There’s a reason you’re struggling with sleep, a reason your desires sometimes overpower your judgment, a reason for unexplained rashes or skin conditions, and a reason for your persistent low moods. These are all potential consequences of what you’ve been involved in.

Recovering from swinging, especially from a negative experience, shares similarities with the process of breaking off an affair.

The first step is to cut off all contact with your swinging group. This isn’t a situation where gradual disengagement works—you need to make a clean break. Avoid any communication—calls, texts, emails—from those you previously swung with.

This can be particularly challenging in small communities or if you were involved with people you work with. Easing out of it will only prolong your pain.

Similarly, trying to limit your swinging activities to only “trusted” couples will just delay the inevitable.

One of the toughest challenges is that some swinger groups also function as social circles or friendships. In these cases, it’s hard to separate the friendships from the lifestyle. The community is designed to intertwine these aspects intentionally.

Losing friends is difficult, and in some cases, it might be possible to salvage a friendship. However, this will often involve navigating moments of emotional and relational discomfort.

You’ll also need to stop reading swinger personal ads and resist the temptation to drive by locations where swingers gather. When you decide to quit, you need to commit fully. Staying involved, even at a distance, will only prolong your suffering.

Your body is accustomed to intense experiences, which means there will be an adjustment period as you step away. Much like going cold turkey from an addiction, you’ll experience withdrawal symptoms and cravings.

Depending on how committed you are to recovery, the next step involves seeking forgiveness and offering forgiveness to your spouse. This can be tricky, especially if you feel you did nothing wrong. Begin by acknowledging where you may have broken your wedding vows by not prioritizing your spouse above all others.

If you deceived or lied as part of being in the lifestyle, you’ll need to address that. If you began desiring others over your spouse, that’s another issue to tackle. This step is essential for realigning your priorities.

This process also helps remove any lingering resentments and anger related to the experience.

Given the emotional intensity of what you’ve been through, it’s likely that feelings of anger, jealousy, and resentment have built up. Even if you’re only discussing these issues with your spouse, opening up the lines of communication can reduce tension.

So, does this mean you have to view swinging as inherently negative? Yes, it does.

Swinging is an all-or-nothing proposition—you’re either fully in or fully out. There’s no middle ground. Trying to navigate a middle ground often pulls you back into the lifestyle.

Similarly, in recovery, you must commit 100%. This means being willing to see swinging as harmful. If you can’t view it that way, you leave the door open to romanticizing the experience, which can easily lead you back into the lifestyle you’re trying to escape.

The next step involves repairing, removing, and replacing the memories associated with swinging. This will neutralize the potential for those memories to trigger old behaviors. It’s about rewiring your emotional and mental associations with swinging.

Your emotions, brain, and nervous system need time to recalibrate. The longer you stay out of the lifestyle, the more your systems will reset. You might start to notice changes after six months, but complete resetting could take up to 18 months.

If you expect to be back to your “old self” after just a week or two, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. Your brain needs time to adjust and slow down. You may continue to struggle with fantasies and dreams for a while.

The bottom line is that you can recover from a bad swinging experience. Your marriage can survive. There will be scars, but you’ll emerge in a different place.

You may find it challenging to trust your spouse after witnessing their choices in the swinging lifestyle. Swinging can still trigger strong emotions. If you and your spouse engaged with people from your past or old acquaintances, there’s a high likelihood of old feelings being reignited.

There’s also the risk that the couples you “played” with may push boundaries further than you’re comfortable with. Any violation of boundaries leaves lasting scars.

You may have regrets about the people you and your spouse chose to swing with. The emotional letdown that follows the high of swinging might be more connected to guilt than you realize.

If you’re struggling with the aftereffects of swinging, you may be experiencing relationship trauma.

You don’t have to rely on alcohol, pills, or other substances to numb the pain and keep symptoms under control. If you find yourself doing so, it’s a sign that deeper issues need attention.

When you’ve been traumatized, there are valid reasons why you’re having trouble moving on and bouncing back. Discover the tools, exercises, and techniques that can help you understand and move past what happened. If this sounds like your situation, get your copy of the video on “Overcoming Relationship Trauma for Swingers.”

Best Regards,
Jeff