Code Words for Swingers: Understanding the Secret World of Hardcore Swingers

When dealing with hardcore, dedicated lifestyle swingers, it's like entering a secret club. These individuals have special websites and tightly controlled social circles, creating an elite group that decides who’s in and who’s out. Some communities have multiple websites where swingers find others in their area. These websites serve to inform the community and act as a way of finding new members. They function like Craigslist for swingers, as they often tire of their old partners and seek the thrill of meeting new people. The sites also screen out those deemed undesirable.

The Secrecy and Exclusivity

Understanding swingers means entering a whole other world filled with new meanings and terms for old words. Finding meeting places requires knowing someone 'in the know,' as these people take many precautions to hide what they do and protect those involved. It’s puzzling because if they were truly "okay" with their activities, why is there a need for secrecy?

When outsiders learn about swingers, it changes their relationship with them and how they interact. A lifestyle built on double meanings and secrecy is contradictory. When swingers talk about sharing, it's often about consuming sexual relationships at the expense of others, likely sharing only with other elites. It's like a special clique or dinner club that excludes those deemed undesirable. Swingers will swing (or as they call it, 'play'), but only with a select few.

Lavish Gifts and Emotional Payback

Elite swingers often give lavish gifts to create a sense of indebtedness, fostering emotional payback. They create an environment where 'you owe them.' These elite swingers are highly organized and exist in many communities. Accessing them requires secret code words and signs, and even finding their websites requires knowledge of specific terms.

With non-elite swingers, the rules differ, but there's still a special language. You'll hear talk about being 'in the lifestyle' and terms describing outsiders or those with traditional views of marriage, such as 'vanilla' for newcomers or the uninitiated. Within the group, terms like 'adultery' or 'cheating' are redefined. Adultery is seen as sleeping with someone besides your spouse 'without permission.' Sleeping with someone else with permission is viewed as tolerable, while the other is not.

The Language of Swinging

Swingers may agree that adultery is bad, but their definition differs from yours. Outsiders who don’t know the language are lost and confused, while insiders use it to keep their clubs exclusive. Swingers often use double meanings and subtle cues that others may miss. This isn't just a 'secret code'; it's about a different way of thinking. You'll hear terms like 'play,' vanilla, unicorn, hard swap, soft swap, same room, separate room, on-premise, off-premise, bull, open door, and closed door, along with localized terms.

In the swinging community, each term refers to specific behaviors. For those 'in the know,' they describe various forms of swinging. For the uninitiated, these terms might as well be a foreign language. The use of such terms shouldn’t surprise you. Consider how many code words or special references you have for the sexual activities between you and your spouse. It’s natural for a community of people to share special terms for their activities.

Signals and Code Words

There are also signals for swingers, such as 'pineapple decor' and wearing a black ring, which may vary by community. In some places, wearing toe rings by females indicates being "in." Each of these terms and items holds meaning within the swinging community or 'lifestyle' (LS). There are even code words for those who leave the swinging lifestyle. 'Drop-out' refers to those who have left.

They don’t see the world like you do. You might assume that they think the same way because they live in the same neighborhood, go to the same stores, and speak English like you. But that's a big assumption that can lead to big mistakes. As someone from the South, we often say, "Those people ain’t like us." I learned what that meant. Expecting them to be like you and think like you is a BIG assumption.

Reflection Questions

1. How does the secrecy in the swinging community impact the relationships and trust among its members?
2. What are some potential emotional consequences for those involved in the swinging lifestyle?
3. How do the exclusive practices and special terms within the swinging community affect outsiders' perceptions of the lifestyle?
4. What are the similarities and differences between elite and non-elite swingers in terms of behavior and social interactions?
5. How can individuals involved in swinging address the emotional turmoil and potential relationship trauma that may arise from this lifestyle?

By understanding these aspects and reflecting on the questions, you can gain a deeper insight into the swinging lifestyle and its impact on relationships and the individuals involved.

Best Regards,
Jeff

P.S. If you are struggling with emotional turmoil related to swinging, it may be relationship trauma. Using more alcohol or drugs to cope, deeper emotional states, and losing motivation could be your body's way of signaling trauma. Your body might be telling you something your mind is trying to block out. Each relationship you have changes you, whether you intend for it to or not. The video "Overcoming Relationship Trauma for Swingers" will help you deal with this issue. You are part of a unique group with unique needs and require unique solutions.