Navigating Affairs, Traumatic Brain Injury, and Sexual Addiction

The subjects of traumatic brain injury (TBI), sexual addiction, and affairs are not often mentioned together. When you’re dealing with a situation where you encounter all three in one person, you’ve got a significant problem. Any one of them by itself is bad enough, yet combined they are overwhelming.

When they are mentioned together, they pose some powerful problems for those of you who are working at overcoming an affair.

In a previous post, I addressed some of the challenges associated with the sexually addicted brain. The sexually addicted brain does not behave like non-addicted brains. They are affected by trauma and often act out sexually addictive behaviors. In these cases, the sexual behavior is more about coping than it is about seeking sexual enjoyment.

It’s not always easy to tease out what is a symptom of trauma in the brain vs. what is due to sexual addiction, but I’ll do my best in this post to help you get some perspective on those issues.

Fortunately, the advancement of brain scans has provided new understanding of sexual addiction. With the brain scans, researchers can see the parts of the brain activated by types of stimulation.

The parts of the brain that ‘light up’ in the sexually addicted are different from the non-addicted brain. This means that they process information, stimuli, and situations differently.

They look at the world differently and react differently. This means you have to let go of expecting their brains to think like other people’s.

They not only process information differently, the parts of the brain that “light up” when they are aroused are different from the non-sexually addicted brain. These differences are one reason why, when you are dealing with someone sexually addicted, you may find yourself asking “Where did that come from?”. You are not imagining it when you think that they do not think like you do.

The differences are not just imagined.

There are real differences in how their brains are wired and how they work. This is why there are no “one-size-fits-all” answers in dealing with affairs when it comes to considering the role of the brain.

It has been said that the sexually addicted brain is like a drug addict’s. To a large degree, this is true in terms of the wiring and the effects on the brain. The brains of sexual addicts are different from those who become addicted to drugs or alcohol and other addictions in terms of their drugs of choice.

When someone with sexually addicted brain functioning experiences a traumatic brain injury or brain disorder, things can get very weird, very fast. Brain disorders and traumatic brain injuries disrupt the functioning of the brain. When the brain was already functioning weirdly well before the injury or disorder, it can be a “whole new world” for that person and their family.

Traumatic brain injuries can make your dealing with a cheater who has a sexually addicted brain even more complicated. The changed wiring is even more scrambled when there is a traumatic brain injury.

A brain injury in a person who is sexually addicted disrupts the sexual behavior even further. It’s not just that it affects the way they think and process information, but it changes their sexual response as well.

So you’ve got a multi-layered problem – an injured brain, an addiction, and perhaps other disorders.

I remember talking with one spouse who struggled with the dramatic sexual changes that a traumatic brain injury brought into her marriage. She tearfully described her frustration, sense of being lost, and desperation for answers. She was not a ‘bad’ person, and neither was her spouse, even though the dramatic changes often left her feeling that way. The dramatic change was so extreme, there were few who really understood or were willing to hear her out.

She was surprised at how drastic the changes were. When such radical changes happen, the assumption is made that they are a ‘bad’ person in terms of wickedness. That was not the case.

The trauma triggered some major changes in her spouse’s sexual behaviors and arousal patterns. Not only were there major changes, but there were few professionals who understood what was going on and ways of dealing with it.

She was relieved in talking to me about how she is not alone in her situation. She found her world going upside down and she literally had done ‘nothing wrong’. There is the nagging idea that she was being punished for something she had done.

The sudden changes not only impacted her spouse, it changed her life as well. The traumatic brain injury took away the husband she previously had. Her old husband was taken away and another weird one was left in his place without any manuals on how to deal with him.

When those kinds of situations happen, it may leave you feeling confused and lost regarding the cheater’s affairs. They literally are not the man or woman they used to be. The way their brain is operating does not fit any of the situations in the self-help books or situations described by the marriage gurus. These are challenging situations. They are the exceptions to the rules. They are not beyond help, just needing help in different ways.

Much depends on what part of the brain was impacted by the injury or disorder. If their ability to delay gratification, decision making, or ability to predict consequences was affected, the person may engage in inappropriate behavior and not realize it or be aware of the consequences of their actions.

They may feel an urge and act on it without thinking. They may not be able to control their urges or even know whether what they are doing is right or wrong. I know that most cheaters are not in this category. I am also aware that there are some situations where such extremes do happen.

When you are dealing with the traumatic brain injury of a cheater with a sexually addicted brain, it will take you to your limits. You will have to consider how much you are willing to put up with, and how seriously you take your marriage vows. Are you really willing to love them “in sickness” such as this one? It will take you way out of your comfort zone. The typical “Affair Recovery Self-Help Books” answers are not going to help you much in these kinds of extreme situations.

It will require a solid foundation of understanding addiction, and more specifically sexual addictions. You will also need to work with the cheater as a team against the common enemy of “sexual addiction.” I also know that in order to get to that point, it will take a lot of honest communication, risk-taking, and commitment.

If you need more help or have questions, feel free to contact me at [email protected].

I am available for consultations and online therapy.