Wife Swapping Gone Wrong: The Emotional Toll of Swinging

It amazes me how swinger trolls leave posts about how swinging (or wife-swapping) has improved their lives and helped them find their sexuality. They claim that their marriage ‘has never been better.‘ Just reading their canned comments, I shake my head, knowing that ‘they’re out of touch.’ They continue being cheerleaders for the swinging lifestyle, glossing over and ignoring the many wounded spouses experiencing collateral damage. Even the term ‘wife swap’ has connotations of wives being used or traded around like chattel.

A distraught wife contacted me, looking for answers about a swinging incident gone wrong. After their “swing,” her mood swings intensified, leaving her sad and crying more often than not. Besides the crying, her mind obsesses over how her husband appears unaffected. They’ve even had fights over his non-reaction to their swap. She views his lack of remorse as his acceptance of what happened and rejection of her. When she and her husband aren’t fighting, she wrestles with doubt over the security of her marriage. She’s plagued with the fear that her husband may leave her now that he’s been with someone else.

She wanted to know, “When we swung, why did it get to me? Why did I get so hurt and cry for weeks? But it didn’t affect him in any way? Does it mean he doesn’t love me, and he doesn’t get jealous?” Her questions are common ones. Let’s look at them one at a time.

Understanding the Emotional Reactions

Why Did I Get So Hurt and Cry for Weeks?

Your brain is different than your husband’s. A woman’s brain has more neurons, making you more receptive to many things. That receptivity often shows up in the form of emotions with increased intensity. Women often process emotions and relational dynamics differently, leading to deeper emotional responses.

But It Didn’t Affect Him in Any Way?

Men’s brains are designed to be more task-oriented. They often compartmentalize better than females. Since they have fewer neurons, they aren’t as sensitive to their surroundings or tasks as females are. This doesn't mean they are unaffected, but their way of processing and showing emotions can be vastly different.

Does It Mean He Doesn’t Love Me?

No, it does not mean he doesn’t love you. It means that he wasn’t impacted by the event the way you were. He managed to compartmentalize it. Anytime you have relations with someone, new bonds are formed. His bonding was different than yours. Men might not display the same level of emotional turmoil outwardly, which can be misconstrued as indifference.

Doesn’t He Get Jealous?

Each man gets jealous in different ways. The jealousy reaction is often tied to whether or not they feel threatened by an outsider taking their wife. It’s possible that he felt secure in his relationship with you, so jealousy was never in question. Jealousy can manifest in subtle ways and might not be immediately apparent.

The Reality of Swinging

The reality is that the swinging lifestyle emotionally damages couples. It leaves scars behind. There’s also a huge difference between having sexual relations in front of others versus having relations with someone other than your spouse. Although both are referred to as ‘swinging,’ their impact is different. Those who were sucked into it are desperate for answers to why they feel so bad, even though they were told they’d feel better. 

Swinging can lead to feelings of regret, betrayal, and confusion. The emotional bonds formed during swinging can disrupt the primary relationship, leading to long-term issues. The guilt and shame associated with swinging can also create internal conflict and emotional turmoil.

Steps Toward Healing

If you’re one of those who struggle with the aftermath of the swinging lifestyle, you’ll benefit from the video “Overcoming Relationship Trauma for Swingers.” You can start your healing today. The first step is acknowledging the emotional impact and seeking support. Therapy or counseling can provide a safe space to process your feelings and begin the healing journey.

Reflection Questions

1. How has swinging impacted your emotional well-being and your relationship?
2. What steps can you take to address the emotional fallout from swinging?
3. How can you communicate with your spouse about your feelings and concerns regarding swinging?
4. What support systems or resources can help you navigate the challenges of recovering from swinging?
5. How can you rebuild trust and intimacy in your relationship after experiencing the emotional damage of swinging?

You’ve got a unique situation that not everyone understands. You don’t have to stay trapped in an untenable situation.

Keeping It Real,
Jeff