A reader asked, “What happens when swinging goes bad?” When I first saw the question, I wondered if a better question would be “How much worse can things get with swinging?” Another question to consider “At what point do you consider things going ‘bad’?”
Swinging, like any behavior has consequences. You can’t cheat the consequences. Sure you can use protection, but there’s nothing to protect you and your spouse from the more serious consequences that occur.
First, there are the health issues. Those you swing with may be ‘clean’, but that is a big assumption on your part. How can you know that they are not lying?
Given the whole deception of the ‘lifestyle’ as swingers call it, the lines between deception, make-believe and lying blur. Even though you are protected, being exposed to multiple partners and their various bodily fluids has consequences.
There are many diseases which condoms don’t protect you from.
Secondly, you have the bonding issues. Each person you have sexual relations with, you bond with.
The bonding is on several layers. The multiple bonding means that your marriage is no longer a unique and special bond. There are many other people who you have bonded with and your spouse has bonded with.
Those bonds have power. They influence your thinking and behavior. It may have you feeling close to fellow swingers, but those bonds can spiral out of control, leading to relationships developing that you never intended.
You or your spouse may find yourselves engaging in practices that you find unnatural or perverted. In the lifestyle, things go further than you intend.
When you’re seeking arousal, the behavior has to become more extreme in order for you to find it ‘exciting’. Think of it in terms of ‘tolerance’ level. Doing the same old thing repeatedly gets boring. The only way of remedying that is getting more extreme in what you do.
Thirdly, the risk of sexual addiction is high. There is the possibility of sexual addictions and chemical addictions developing.
Many swingers rely on drugs or alcohol in order to get themselves ready for ‘playtime’. Such drug and alcohol use has risks.
There’s also the risk of spouses wanting to go more extreme and want more stimulation, which drives them deeper into things.
Fourthly, there is the issue of arousal. One of the aspects of bonding is that you and your spouse trigger arousal in each other. With swinging, those bonds are strained.
You may find yourself aroused at anyone’s touch or at the other extreme, find yourself no longer responsive to your spouse without chemical assistance from Viagra, Cialis or similar chemical aides.
There’s also the social and relationship stresses. In order to stay in ‘the lifestyle’, you have to hide what you are doing or change your peer group. This leads to strains in family relations.
The lifestyle becomes a ‘double-life’ where you have one persona that the public sees and another that fellow swingers see. Maintaining this double-life becomes harder and harder, requiring more resources to ‘keep up appearances’.
In some circles of swingers, the members grow unhealthy attachments to each other to the degree where they believe they ‘own’ each other. When that happens, the other members of the group will resist attempts at you leaving or pulling away.
You belong to them and they take steps for keeping you locked in and hooked in. Threats, abandonment, or even forced situations are used in ‘keeping’ you in.
So you have to consider, at what point do you consider these things bad enough to make changes?
How far down the rabbit hole do you have to go before you consider it ‘bad?’
In all likelihood, if you’re in the lifestyle, you are probably in much deeper than you realize.
If you’re struggling with the effects from swinging you may be experiencing relationship trauma. You don’t have to get drunk, take pills or medications to numb yourself out, and keep symptoms under control.
When you have been traumatized, there are reasons for you not being able to get over it’ and bounce back. Discover the tools, exercises and techniques you need in understanding and moving past what has happened to you.
If that’s your situation, get your copy of the video “Overcoming Relationship Trauma for Swingers“. You don’t have to stay trapped in the lifestyle another day. You can start making changes and taking charge of your life once again.
Best Regards,
Jeff
2 Responses
We usually went seven or eight times a year. Then we got married and moved to a different city. There are clubs here and we’ve talked about it, but I’m not as comfortable with my body now as I was four years ago. If I lost 25 pounds I would go back. It’s fun to have people find you attractive. It’s fun to feel sexy and get dressed up in clothes I would never wear.
I think it made me stronger. I was very sheltered growing up. I was a little on the heavier side, not big, but I never felt that attractive. When I went there, I felt gorgeous. It just felt good. I want more people to go! For us it was a total relationship builder, it really was. It was a totally positive experience. It brought us closer than anybody can be. There’s a level of trust between the two of us now. You can’t do something like that and not trust each other.
Amber,
Thank you for sharing your experience. Your experience is a unique one. It’s definitely an ego boost when others find you attractive. Although it was a total relationship builder for you, many of those who I’ve worked with didn’t work out so well.
They also talked about the thrill of getting dressed up and meeting ‘attractive people’ was part of the initial thrill. In their situations, things soured over time and the experienced ended up weakening or ruining their marriages. The experience also left them scarred in terms of guilt and insecurities.
For them, ‘the thrill is gone’ and they wish they hadn’t made those choices.
Best Regards,
Jeff