Do you know what the definition of love is? Do you know what it means to ‘love’ your spouse? You may have search for definitions of the word in dictionaries, but you won’t find this secret definition.
You may understand the warm fuzzy feeling part of love. You may even understand the passionate feelings and the giving part of love, but there’s one aspect of love that few people understand. This missing definiton often leads to marriage problems and potential affairs. It’s no wonder since modern dictionaries don’t even include this aspect of love in their definitions.
I suspect the dictionaries don’t include this definition of love, because it’s a secret few of you understand. I discovered it by accident. At the time, I was preparing for a lecture on motivation for the General Psychology class I was teaching at San Jacinto College.
Motivation is one of those required subjects covered in General Psychology classes. I considered it ‘a necessary evil’ at that time. There is a weird irony about not being motivated to teach about motivation. Since it was not one of my hot buttons, I forced myself to dive deeper into the subject.
The discovery came as I looked at the opposite of motivation. I looked at what keeps us from doing things instead of what pushes you forward. It was then I discovered that love also restrains you. It is love that keeps you from cheating on your wife. It is love that keeps you from ‘loosing your cool’ in provoking situations.
That insight about love hit me. “Wow”, I never thought about love as a restraining force before. It occurred to me that it is not fear of being found out, or punishment, but “love” that gives self-control and self-restraint. You limit what you do because you love your spouse.
Don’t bother looking in modern dictionaries for this definition of love, it won’t be there. Even though the definition is not there, it doesn’t change the restraining power of love.
If you are a cheater, or have a cheating heart and want to know what can keep you from straying, the answer is LOVE. When you love your spouse, you choose controlling yourself rather than giving into your urges.
Discovering a definition of love that wasn’t included in the dictionary changed my life. I suddenly had a deeper appreciation of love. I loved my wife in a new way. I found new strengths and depths of love.
It was also cool to have found something that the Merriam-Webster dictionary did not cover.
If you are still having trouble controlling yourself out of love and want your marriage to improve, the Affair Recovery Workshop is for you.
Best Regards,
Jeff
18 Responses
This is a definition I whole heartedly agree with. I have made the observation to my spouse, that if you love someone, cheating is impossible! So…. you do not! Then you hear the old google friendly “FOG” BS…. no it comes down to self, entitlement, no character and no morals. From what I have seen, I should have been the one out cheating. Kids first everything I did was wrong…. Wife who (funny) did not like sex. But you know why I did not? Because I loved her! I had morals I had character. One thing I know today… If your spouse starts talking about finding their happy, better watch out!
David,
Thank you for writing and sharing your experience. I am glad that you agree with the definition. I made it a point to research the self-restraint definition of love and it was not in any dictionary I have found. I guess the editors are either ignorant of all the aspects of love or they conveniently left it out.
That definition has steaded me well over the years. Love keeps you from abusing the freedoms that come with love.
Jeff
So if that is what you believe, then how do you work with couples? If there is no love….. then add in the abuse and lies and zero trust… how does that make for coming back together in a marriage?
David,
Thank you for your questions. As I understand it, you asked “how do I work with couples?” and “with all the abuse, lies and low trust, how does that make for coming back together in a marriage?”
Let me start with the second question first.
Many couples still love each other, even despite the affair. Even when you go to divorce court, you find that many couples still have some love for each other. They often have flawed ideas of love which led to some of the problems in the first place. They are human and as human are imperfectly flawed. I start with their love for each other, however large, small or flawed it may be. With that as a starting point, I work with them in giving them the skills and knowledge they need to repair their marriage relationship.
When the couple has developed and understand commitment, I use that as well. Since most have not, I have to plan for either weak or situational commitment to each other.
I work with them in building a new foundation for their marriage, since trust is now at a low point or zero. Once the new foundation is built, there is the possibility for trust to be rekindled, albeit in a different role. Prior to the affair, it was foundational, after the affair, it moves to a supportive position.
Love does have a restraining ability. Love also involves commitment and consistency. I also view love as something than can be repaired and strengthened. The flaws can be fixed and repaired.
Supportive position. Interesting thought. I find that the cheater can not tell the truth. Even 18 months later. Direct questions are not answered. They still want to hang their hat on “I don’t want to hurt you” I cant see trust even being a supportive position under these circumstances. It appears they are still self serving…. because the truth is not good.
David,
Not answering direct questions 18 months later is definitely concerning. Have read read the post, I didn’t want to hurt you?. It may give you some insights.
I noticed that you shift from second person to third on this matter. Is this something you were aware of, or is it an indication of something else in this area? I suspect that you are frustrated with the evasiveness.
I would be curious what she means by “I don’t want to hurt you.” You may want to find out what she means. Is she saying she does not feel safe? Is she saying that you still mean something to her? Is she avoiding facing how her actions have hurt others along with how badly it hurt others (you)? Is there a continued struggle with loyalty? Would broaching the topic open up some new ground in your marriage which she is hesitant to do? Is she wanting you to open up first? It could mean any one of these or something else.
A fellow therapist once told me, “Just because someone pulls out a ball, does not mean you know how to play the game”. Many people assume they know how to play because they see a ball. Although you may think you know what she means, it is best not to assume. Rather than assume, ‘ask’ what she means. She could be using some totally different meanings to some familiar words.
Another great thread Jeff
I suspect that people such as my husband prefer to believe that if it’s love it costs nothing personal…no transparency…holding all the info
In our case after 30 + years my husband’s go to “explanation” for his lengthy secret adultery and skillful lengthy adultery secret second family was that “our marriage was over a long time ago”!
Gee it might have been nice had he informed me!
He kept so busy working at his “career” to “support us and prepare for our future”that he must have forgotten that he neglected to tell me we were “over”
So the smoke screen the he created by always saying everything was”fine” that I was doing and excuses when I tried to approach discussing and perhaps growing our relationship was that he was fine and his work was the reason for his not being “able ” to be involved with our family more on a daily or even weekly basis
I think once he got a taste of how to manage to have so much “free time” to get what he wanted from the women who did t care if he was taken and had a family at home waiting patiently for him and thankful for him working “so hard”
He was not above trying to make us feel badly because we wanted him to participate ….and when he did take part he was pouty and sullen about helping the children carve pumpkins
Children do pick up on where they fall in terms of priority of their fathers life
I used to tell them that their father wanted to be home or to go with us but he was working hard to provide for us
What a travesty of trust…now even as adults they realize how he rates important issues as last on his list of what matters to him
He puts himself first always ..even in how he treats any woman who may fall under his charm
Charm in a thee piece suit…..beware!
My shift is an unconscious event. I would say that I am not sure what hurting my feelings truly means. It appears, that the truth is much worse than what I already know. I say this because there have been discoveries made that seem to prove this. If you deny sex with an individual, swear you only were in his presence twice…. then it comes to light, you met him in a hotel, but he had a “friend” and nothing happened???? But you forget to mention this??? Because you do not want to hurt my feelings… well too late for that! And several other events with other people that were lied about also. Oh I do know she had sex with a much younger guy on and off for 4 years. The others were nothing. But nothing seems to be something.
David,
The way you describe what happened, your wife’s reaction along with what you know sounds like the possibility of some sexual addiction going on. In an addicts mind, some activities register as ‘nothing’ because they were routine and part of what was done to feel ‘normal’. There are also some cases, where they are so unattached in getting their fix, they view it as ‘nothing’.
The real person at their core sense of being may really love you. The ‘nothing’ response may be her telling you that the actions did not mean anything to her, and she does not view them with any kind of emotional investment.
When she says “nothing happened” does she mean that she had no connection with the people and did it mindlessly or that she does not recall what happened? “Nothing” definitely has a meaning. Knowing what it means in this context can make a big difference in dealing with what is going on.
I agree with your post, Jeff. If I may, I would like to add…limiting what you do because you love yourself. And…when you love yourself, you choose controlling yourself rather than giving into your urges.
I have yet to hear a betrayed spouse say they would choose to be the cheater over the one who was cheated on. Most, at least unconsciously, seem to know it’s an undesirable way to live. If people need to constantly look outside themselves to find happiness, then they are setting themselves up for a lifetime of pain, suffering, and disappointment.
The one thing I have learned from my husband’s affair is how important it is to love yourself. Not selfishly, but with compassion. Not with arrogance, but with humility. Loving yourself allows you the freedom to walk in another’s shoes, and feel their pain and desperation without losing yourself. In the process, you become a better person…not better than them, but better than you were before. This has become one of my goals, being the best I can be in any given situation. So far, the opportunities appear to be endless, lol.
blueskyabove!
It is good hearing from you again! I haven’t seen a post from you in a long time. It is refreshing knowing that you are still out there and still have some wonderful insights.
I agree that it’s important to love yourself as well, as you say, “with compassion, etc.” That kind of love leads to self-restraint. It also leads to you not allowing your spouse or others walk all over you or abuse you. There is a time that you have to weigh out what is good for you versus good for the relationship. Going extreme in either direction has disastrous consequences. Loosing your sense of balance in a marriage is not good for either of you.
Jeff
Thank you for the kind words and warm welcome, Jeff.
Your site is such a breath of fresh air compared to others. I chalk it up to your personal involvement in helping your readers. Keep up the good work.
The meaning of NOTHING in this case is unknown. Her definition was, met him and his friend and stayed the night. She had her nothing fling with the much younger male. This one in question is first love material from high school. Many communications have been intercepted from those years. She was always speaking of her undying love for him. How much he owned her heart. Etc…..
Her version today is…. it was to help him. He is not stable. She was going to save him. Nothing sexual occurred over her 4 year relationship. I have trouble in believing the nothing. How can one LOVE someone so much in conversations but not truly be? And adults who are in-love generally don’t meet up at a hotel and sleep fully clothed!
Sex addict probably not. Attention addict very much so!
What is your take on polygraphs?
David,
My experience with polygraphs is limited. I have taken them and have some familiarity, yet am not any kind of expert on polygraphs. I do have an extensive background with biofeedback and using instruments to measure human physiology.
Now that you have the context, I view their results with great skepticism. When the subject is a drug user, has experienced with altered states or has an early childhood history of sexual/physical abuse, or background in military intelligence or law enforcement, the results are questionable. In each of these cases, they have some familiarity with altering their physiology (e.g. heart rate, blood pressure, etc.).
When the subject does not fall into those categories, you can have some faith in the results.
Bear in mind, the test just shows that they had reactions, not that they were lying per se. Some of the more intriguing tells are touching the nose, eye tracking patterns, and voice stress patterns. I view those as better indicators than polygraphs.
Jeff
Just curious. I have asked for one. Her not being of any of the above. She refuses. To me when someone is caught, they should be willing to do whatever is asked. Tells me there is more to be found out. I am no expert in tracking patterns etc… so poly seemed a reasonable request.
David,
That makes sense. Whether or not the poly was useful, the trust issues surrounding you making a request are telling. Asking for a poly is a reasonable request in rebuilding trust. Some spouses have gone so far as to enlist private detectives in rebuilding trust. I often think about the movie line from Entrapment, “First you test, then you trust”.
Well truth is, I was willing to forgo the poly. Not saying I trusted. In fact gut said there was more. I sat down about 9 months post DDay and asked very specific questions. Did you have sex? How many times were you around etc…. when answering questions, you could tell something was being hidden. So upon further policing (which sucks and no way to live and have discontinued) I found her responses to be less than truthful. Now this was after she was told full disclosure was necessary and she gave one before this questioning. Now you might say there is zero trust again. And with a refusal to go do a poly, pretty much sums up the end is near.