In doing a search for ‘how to forgive’ I found myself surprised at the number of methods from a wide range of ‘experts’. When I put myself in your shoes, it leaves me wondering which one is best.
The suggestions range from a 15-point checklist down to six step process. Some even include forgetting as part of the forgiving. Although the old saying ‘forgive and forget’ may sell books and makes you feel good saying it, when it comes to affairs, it’s a mistake.
One of those sites pushing the ‘forgive and forget’ approach is the one run by a prominent female talk show host whose television program I turned down twice. Actually, the way she promotes it, the order should be ‘forget then forgive’. Whichever order you put those ‘F’ words, it’ll mess you up.
The approach she advocates has you changing your attitude before you let go of the hurt. You literally ‘put on a happy face’ and suddenly see ‘happy clouds’ when it comes to your marriage instead of the backstabbing cheater who you’re married to.
It makes it sound like changing your attitude is as easy as changing outfits or putting on rose-colored glasses. Unless you’re taking prescription feel good pills (they’re the only ones strong enough), I don’t see this as possible.
When you’ve been hurt, you need to get rid of that hurt BEFORE you can even think about changing your attitude. If you don’t remove the hurt, you run the risk of an infection consisting of bitterness and flashbacks.
Attitude change comes after you deal with the hurt.
Let me put it this way, when your contact lens is scratched, that scratch is the first thing you see. You can tell yourself that you see better and healthier, but as long as the scratch is there, your eye is going to focus on the scratch.
You need to change your contact, before you change what you focus on. It’s that simple. It works with contacts, it works with affairs.
Even Scripture tells you to remove the debris from your own eye first before trying to change others.
When you’re forgiving an affair, it’s something that can’t be forgotten. Sure, you can put it behind you, but that’s very different than forgetting that it ever happened. I’m not sure they can ever be forgotten by the one who was betrayed, but that’s a topic I’ll cover in another email.
The approach to forgiveness I promote has you letting go of the hurts, LONG before changing attitudes or reconciliation. The order you do things when it comes to forgiveness makes a difference in terms of obtaining lasting results.
The video, “Forgiveness: Stop the Pain, Tear down the Walls and Remove the Roadblocks” lays out what you need to do and what order to do it in when its’ time for forgiveness.
Best Regards,
Jeff
