When you are faced with an affair, either as the cheater or the betrayed spouse, there will come a time when you’re faced with the choice of whether or not to ‘compromise’.
I was reminded of this in responding to an email sent to me by a reader. It occurred to me that I had not clearly addressed the issue of compromise.
First, the word ‘compromise’ is made up of two words ‘con’ and ‘promise’. Together they mean ‘with promise’. So when you compromise it’s an agreement with a promise attached.
This means that any agreement resolved with a compromise has an embedded promise attached to it. So, a compromise is not just a simple agreement, there are some teeth to it.
Second, the word conveys the idea of a mutual agreement where both parties make concessions. Each of you has to give up something in order to reach a ‘compromise’.
In most of our interactions that need negotiation and discussion, there is often give and take associated with them. Under this definition, there are many compromises in your everyday interactions.
Third, ‘compromise’ is also when you back down on a moral position. When faced with the choice of taking a moral stand that requires conviction and hard decisions, you instead make ‘soft’ easy choices.
This is where you choose the easy way out of a tough situation rather than take a firm stand. The problem with making soft choices is that one soft choice often leads to future soft choices in a downward leading spiral. The problem is that with each new ‘low’ the choices actually get harder, with fewer options.
It is as if the ‘real’ promise is that “You will face tougher and tougher challenges, with each successive compromise.” This is why compromises never actually solve problems when it comes to affairs.
They delay some negative aspect, but they never stop the inevitable. There is no room for compromising on ending the affair. It has to end, period.
Any compromise on when to end it or how to end it or how to ‘soften’ the blow will only by you time. It will not make it easier. It does just the opposite. Delaying the inevitable only makes ending the affair more painful and adds extra drama to it.
So when it comes to affairs, remember that the compromise always carries a ‘promise’ with it. The promise that comes with affair compromises is that of “more pain”.
Perhaps as part of any compromise, you’ll want the cheater to view the video “Help for the Cheater: Starting the Road to Recovery“. The video guides them through the initial challenges and questions they’ll face in ending the affair.
Best Regards,
Jeff
