Although impatience and impulsive behavior often contributed to an affair developing, these attributes can become obstacles to recovery as well. When spouses expect the infidel to change immediately, they are often in for heartache. Although it took time for problems to develop, they forget that it also takes time for them to change, even when the change is in a good direction. It takes time for the words and actions to line up and point in a healthy direction. Expecting the adulterer to change immediately is unrealistic. They will require time to make the necessary changes. Although insights regarding an affair may occur quickly, making the necessary changes and knowing what changes are needed take time. When changes occur immediately, they are often changes for the sake of changes and do little to actually improve the relationship in the long run. It takes time to rekindle intimacy, repair the communication and rebuild the trust that has been damaged by an affair. Once the marriage relationship has been repaired, then attention is needed in repairing the other family relationships and reputations that have been damaged in the affair.
I often tell clients that they need to take the time they expect things to change and then double it, in some cases, to triple it, in order to grasp the time it takes to transform the relationship to a healthy one.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
